Sunday, April 26, 2015

Dancing and Staying Alive

I wanted to tell you that I'm okay. 

I think it's worth saying. More importantly, I think it's worth believing this time. I know that I've used this space as an avenue through which I could channel my negative energy so as not to hold it inside of me, so I just figure that most of you probably siphon through my words, guarding your spirits from the heaviness but offering quiet support nonetheless. And I'm grateful for that.

Recently, I noted that I thought I had royally fucked up. I thought that I had come down to Florida and spun myself a web instead of freeing myself from the one that already existed. I thought that my masochism was taking over and that even though my intentions were fine, I wouldn't allow myself to receive the help that I need. I pretty much figured that I'd die pretty soon.

I wish I could tell you what changed. Last time the darkness was this tangible, I knew exactly what had happened to change it back into lightness. And the lightness was almost ridiculous, because I hadn't known that I could simply invite it back and it would come, until I did. And that was a miracle. I knew it. I slept for 14 hours and regenerated into something new, brushing ashes off of my brand new Phoenix feathers and continuing to live. 

But this time, I don't really get it. I knew from the get-go that this one was far less spiritual and far more chemical, situational, whatever-al. Maybe I just needed to get out of South Carolina. Maybe I just needed to chase the wind for a while. Maybe I just needed to work my ass off for a while, pulling the same hours as I pulled while getting my degrees but filling my time with something far less meaty and difficult. Maybe I needed to remember that I like challenges and intellectual stimulus, but that I can be okay with relatively simple tasks for now. Because it's not everything. Because everything will be okay, and if it's not okay, it's not everything.

So I'll just tell you a couple of the things that have changed. Like I said before, I booked a flight to Iceland as an incentive to stay alive; update: it's working. And now, that trip has become an entire November full of thanks and community because I'll have the opportunity to spend some time with a subset of my favorite people in the world, sprinkled around Belgium, Germany, and Ireland, and potentially find some more favorite people. I don't know. It doesn't matter...I'm adventuring and I'm following my wandering heart and isn't that enough? It is, for me.

On that note, I've pretty much given up listening to any of y'all who want me to stick around, stay in one place, calm down, or be safe in general. Safety, as it is colloquially recognized, is the opposite of safety for me. You know this. I go where I feel safe, and sometimes, that's sleeping outside in my car in the middle of the prairie. I'll wander, when I want to wander. I'll stay, when I want to stay. But I'll always come back.

Recently, I learned a little bit more about vitamins and the things that can happen when there is a deficiency for whatever reason. Unsurprisingly enough, the symptoms of deficiency sounded awfully familiar to me, so I stocked up and I've flooded myself and I've felt so much better. Maybe it was just me, not taking care of me in the most basic sense.

I know that's what it is.

Something else that I've noticed lately, as a pleasant surprise, is my natural reaction to myself in the mirror. While sometimes it's a nit-picky self-destruction, lately it's been me looking straight into my own eyes and thinking to myself what a pretty girl I am. What deep, watchful, and lovely eyes I've been given. I'm a spacious, voluptuous, wild-haired gale. And it is well.

So, more than likely, I'm headed out West pretty soon. Then Nordic, then Eastern, then Northwestern Europe. Then Midwest. And maybe, if things settle in the direction of my heart's current arrow, back out West eventually. 

I'm only 24. It's just life. It doesn't need direction or stability or anything like that; it just needs to continue until it doesn't. And I just need the things that I have now; I just need this. Almost every aspect of my being has been ripped wide open, raw and exposed, in the best possible way because I've found community instead of alienation. I've found support instead of loneliness. I've found togetherness and honesty, and that's all I want. I miss the people that I don't have right now, but out of the same vein, I only want the people that I have now. This time was meant for us. It was designed for our specific investments into each other's lives, and we won't be the same for it. I won't be the same.

I'm never content, but I'm happy. I'm not the same. I love the fact that I am here right now. I love it.

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