Monday, July 07, 2014

23

I'm really quite exceptionally tired.

Too tired to do any of the things that don't absolutely have to be done in a reasonable amount of time, lest my world explode or something far more dramatic than necessary. More than that, though, I'm too burned out to really actually remember why I like to explore and learn. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is complete dissociation from myself.

So understandably, it's easy to feel like I've lost faith in damn near everything. But, grace still exists and I know that I really haven't. In that spirit, I want to do a little therapeutic exercise and I'll request perspective and patience from my readers; I'm processing. That's all.

23 Things in which I've lost faith:
1. Arguably too literally: organized religion
2. People who cannot read maps
3. My possible Master's degree
4. My ability to remain in academia for the next 10 months
5. My desire to learn details
6. My ability to remember details
7. People who wear flip flops on rugged terrain
8. People who think that we can see a solar transit of Saturn from Earth 
9. Western Christianity
10. My status as a human versus a corporation's status as a human
11. My financial situation
12. Related: the IRS
13. My mental health at large
14. Congress, obviously
15. My ability to fake it 'til I make it
16. My healing process
17. My ability to recognize personal growth
18. My ability to just be nice
19. People who lean on telescopes
20. My capacity for wonder and awe
21. Mosquito repellent
22. My communication skills
23. Being an adult, ever

23 Things in which I've not lost faith:
1. Mountains
2. People who are seeing Saturn for the first time
3. The Sun's ability to create Earth-sized sunspots
4. Aurora Borealis
5. Flying on airplanes
6. Driving on interstates
7. Singing about things
8. People who want to tell their stories
9. My ability to recognize the ways by which I can change for the better
10. My ability to seek out options
11. My curiosity
12. People who graciously let me process this life
13. People who remind me that I have strength as a survivor
14. People who remind me that I am quick to point to joy
15. My ability to network
16. The resiliency of this planet
17. Beautiful things that require heat, pressure, and time to form properly
18. Community
19. People who appreciate nature
20. Related: the NPS
21. Germany, for some reason
22. My immune system, knock on wood
23. The future, even if I'm unusually unsure and scared

Everything is balance. One pro and con for every year of my life. I am equally anxious and excited for the big things coming up...well. I hope they are big. Big enough for me to recognize and appreciate the magnitude. Big enough for me to notice why they're happening. Big enough for me to stop feeling ashamed of where I am on all of my journeys. Big enough for my big, bruised, wide, pulsing heart.