Tuesday, July 12, 2016

(A Formal Request For) Sanctuary

"Violet, do you know snakes are more afraid of you than you are of them? Few people do. When threatened, a snake will retreat to a place that is quiet, safe, remote. A sanctuary, where it can feel out of danger. That's why Peru." 

-Uncle Monty, A Series of Unfortunate Events, Lemony Snicket

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I'm not alone in feeling overwhelmed in the world, but the feeling has recently come as a surprise to me. I feel like a different person than the one I thought I was, the one I thought I'd become.

I was an ENFP. But suddenly, I can't handle being an ENFP anymore. Maybe the ENFP has been medicated out of me, or I've grown in a completely unanticipated direction, or it's been medicated out of me, and that's what I was paralyzingly afraid of in the first place.

I need my space. My own physical space, as well as a large amount of mountainous, nebulous real estate inside of my own head. I can still teach and talk and hug and hang, but I'm feeling myself backing up far more often than usual. Backing away, shrinking, cornering, covering. Sheltering.

Looking for sanctuary.

If all goes well, I have five more weeks in the USA. I used to be a fighter...maybe. Maybe that's just what people thought, and what people told me. Maybe my fighting style has evolved into something else that resembles retreat, or maybe it is just retreat. I don't know whether or not I am brave; I kind of wonder if I'm not.

I'm not the person you fell in love with. I'm not particularly sure if I recognize myself.

Or, I'm just exceedingly overtired from waking up before dawn, deep in the Black Hills of South Dakota; fast forward and now it's sunset and I'm home. So my brain can't do this right now, but it wants to. It wants my fingers to write. It sends instructions to my muscles and tendons and joints and demands a narrative; it demands a reflection, but the reflection is scattered among pieces of a broken mirror, at best.

All is well. We all know this about me: I am all flight. I am all flight. I am all flight. Regardless of what is happening, I will try to fly away. Regardless of the fact that I am not in any danger, I will try to fly away. Fly away to a place with less chaos this time, pretending and assuming that this retreat will smooth me out with the lack of insanity surrounding me. Fly away to a place where I can feel out of danger. 

That's why Iceland.