I'm irritated, and I am not easily irritated.
However, it isn't just another bad semester coming to a head; this semester wasn't bad. In fact, it began as a vortex of high-anxiety and no direction and panic attacks and shaking and nausea and confusion; it ended in a much clearer headspace.
I needed direction, accountability, and affirmation. I have myself, my friends, and my therapist to thank for my recently acquired ownership of those things.
But now, to attempt some flighty form of self-care, I'm going to list the things that are making me irritated.
1. Obligatory and likely relevant biochemical data point: it's pretty much just about that time of the month.
2. I'm hungry. For cookie dough.
3. Somebody tried to break into our house, and I'm not there to fuck them up.
4. I'm sitting in a conference with collaborators from the University of Illinois, and for the first time in my life, I'm realizing that I can't make myself care about my research project.
5. I don't care about this research project.
6. Remember that time when I told my research adviser that I wanted to learn more hands-on experimental skills in the rocket lab, and instead he gave me a giant radar data set to analyze and cry over?
7. I can't even with programming right now. And I never have.
8. I can't handle another 11 hours in the car with my adviser. Dear sweet baby Jesus. This is why I travel alone.
9. I need my tax return. I need it in order to survive. Help.
10. Again: somebody tried to BREAK INTO OUR HOUSE, and I'm not there to FUCK THEM UP.
So until further notice, I am opening my mouth only when necessary and constantly checking my resting bitch face. I need to be fed and watered, and I need some me time. I need to prioritize. Most of these things can absolutely be fixed, and I believe that they will be, soon. It's frustrating, though, that I have to write this sham of a Master's thesis before I can revise my life to align with what I really want. Everything will be alright. I know this. I know this. I know this.
And in general, my loves, things are bright and getting brighter. Back to the Badlands soon, and fresh air, and wide open spaces to diffuse my infinitely condensed matter. Driving by my goddamn self, forever it seems. Riding this out. Loving it, probably, in my own strange and beautiful way.