Oh hi there, readers.
I would just like you all to know that I am in the middle of, perhaps, one of the happiest times of my life. Adoration for my job and for the people with whom I interact is continuously present, and I'm honored to be doing exactly what I had wished I could do.
But still, as per usual, I want more. I always will, which may be a contributing factor to my becoming a scientist. This time, though, I think it's because I finally have time to rest and to think about what exactly I'm missing. Sure, I miss MSU as well as my friends and family, but this is different. This is the kind of mourning that happens for something that hasn't happened...yet. It's when I realize that everything might be connected, and the bottom line is me.
The truth is, part of me really, really wants to be that girl in the sports bra and the bare feet, the one picking the organic kale from the Farmer's Market, scaling rock faces and freely expressing herself in the yoga studio. That girl loves her life. So do I. That girl loves her body. I do not.
And the fact that I hate my body so much is probably intimately connected with how dissatisfied I am with my insides. My life is incredible; my soul is broken. I'm just now beginning to realize the true scope of my brokenness, but I think that maybe that realization is an important part of healing. It's simple: I'm not getting what I need. Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally, not sexually, not relationally, not financially, not medically, not nutritionally. Now, I don't think that others are so much to blame for any of this. Some of it is just because of the season of my life. Most of it is because of me, and my blatant refusal to take care of myself because I, for whatever reason, do not believe that I deserve to be taken care of. It's ludicrous, but it's completely true. It's been true for a very, very long time.
I've had bouts of serious self-love, but they never seemed to last. Something would happen; I'd lose community, I'd lose time, or I'd lose my mind. Something. And just like that, I'd internalize my negativity and begin to doubt myself again.
It's time to stop. It's time to realize that all of my self-directed dissatisfaction covers every aspect of my life. I've been frustrated lately because I thought that I was stuck; that I didn't have a clue how to proceed in my own healing process. Maybe I can begin very simply. I can begin to feed myself healing foods that can feed my soul instead of just feeding a sugar craving. I can get outside into the sun, and under the stars. I can let myself sleep. I can sing, I can pray, and I can write. Everybody knows that this is a journey, and it's time I started moving forward in mine.