Thursday, June 28, 2012

Things

When you have been running in circles with your computer code for several weeks and your lab has been taken over by pizza and the soccer cup, there is only one thing to do. Well, two things: eat free pizza (praise God), and think.

Here are some things about me. I've changed so drastically over the past year, several variables taken into account, and I am so indescribably ecstatic over the ways in which God has met me, loved me, molded me, and allowed me to see past my frightfully blinding and unintentional selfishness. I shake life off of my shoulders just a little bit easier now. I love so very deeply. I live loudly.

I am a bit more honest, now. I am addicted to community. I am addicted to lots of things, actually. I have found myself in the middle of my genome. I have discovered identity. I am neither the black sheep nor the lost sheep of my family; I am the wild sheep that longs for authenticity and adventure. I floated into your existence as a result of chemical imbalances and paperwork, and one very important decision not to kill me. On a related note, I am pro-choice, not anti-life. I love wine. I love whiskey. I am horrible at making snap-decisions. I do not like to reject people. I have incredibly high standards for myself, but I am very accepting of others. I cannot handle ignorance or non-tolerance. I am always passionately talking about preventing and healing from sexual violence. I am afraid of being in an all-white room. I am a miserable guitar player, but I get by. My deepest love is reserved for those with which I sing. I am flawed. I am beautiful. I have anxiety. I've had depression, and I have no plans to return to that place. I found comfort in the Ohio Theatre. I am a road-trip junkie. I received my very first speeding ticket this month. I am hyper-addictive. I love imperfection. I cannot stay in one place for too long. I am an impulsive traveller, explorer, and mistake-maker. I do not have ten dollars to my name. I am surrounded by incredible people. I am miserable at computer programming, but I am learning. I fell in love with astrophysics at the age of eleven. My default is love, and I have a very short list of foes. I know how to forgive, but sometimes I wait a little while. I am incredibly spiritual. God's grace is where I am currently dwelling. I have been described as "the baddest bitch" and I secretly loved it. I curse like a sailor. I am disappointed in modern Western Christianity. I have no cookie-cutter faith. I am surviving off of the mercy of others, and I genuinely and joyfully give back whenever I can. When I am nervous, I say things that I do not mean. I live to radically change lives. I am only a sports fanatic on game-day. I am a barefoot child. I adore water. I cannot touch my toes. I have stopped following rules. I am a very good judge of character. Stress is always present in my life, and always seems astronomical. Despite my anxiety, I want to live fearlessly. My heart is in Ireland, and probably always will be. Slushies are simultaneously my drugs and anti-drugs. The Vagina Monologues saved my life. God has met me in the most ridiculous places and spaces. He has always been faithful to me. I am developing my chest voice so that I can sing without any abandon. I will try almost anything. I have remarkable trust issues. It is getting easier to say goodbye. I have no problem being a scientist and a woman of faith; the ease comes with education and open-mindedness. I have a personal hair-stylist and a personal bar-tender, and I love them both dearly regardless of the perks. Food and music are my love-languages. I have an eternal love of pianos. If I have access to a trampoline, I'll be alright. I am extremely intense and often competitive, but I will always extend a helping hand when I can. My weight fluctuates like absolute crazy. I have an irrational fear of starving to death. I am stubborn, and tirelessly attempt to fix things myself before asking for help. I am a beautiful mess, and the best part is...

...God isn't finished with me yet.

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Day We Cried Vagina

Let me breathe for a second.


It's been a little crazy. I've been all over, five-thousand miles all over, for the past few weeks and many, many times again I've been reminded that I could never predict my life if my life depended on it (and to a degree, it does.)


But quick update: I've been living in Boulder, CO for a couple of weeks and it's incredible. I completely dig having mountains in what is essentially my back-yard, and obviously I'm a wild-child for plasma physics and magnetohydrodynamics so, it's a pretty sweet deal.


I've been distracted, though, over the past week for a number of reasons; the most prevalent being what's been going on in the Michigan State House of Representatives. Between passing a remarkably reductive and restrictive regulatory bill regarding women's health and actually silencing female representatives on the House floor with no real explanation for the ban (although it probably had to do with the use of the word 'vagina'), I've been righteously angry. 


So have thousands of people in Michigan and much, much more nationwide, as it turns out. Eve Ensler, writer of The Vagina Monologues (one of my favorite things) heard the outcry and actually traveled to Lansing today in order to facilitate a staged-reading of V-Mons on the capitol steps.


Here's the problem: I was still in Boulder. So, I wrote on the event page on Facebook, told everyone I'd be there in spirit. After about three seconds though, obviously, and in the interest of living life to the extreme maximum, I wasn't satisfied with being there in spirit. I knew that I'd just hate myself if I didn't at least try to make it there, mind you, on a $10 budget. 


The miraculous thing about my life is this: it worked. With a Facebook message and several hours of staying up late, my awesome friend Nic loaned me some cash to fly out, my former V-Mons director Amanda grabbed me from the airport in Detroit, her boyfriend Peter's family fed me, and they brought me to Elizabeth's house where I crashed. Through my incredible network, I realized a couple of really amazing things. I realized that, self-directed blame disregarded, I am existing purely in God's grace in utter, shameless, penniless dependence. What a terrible word, dependence. But, it's desperation and it's honesty and it's beautiful and I'd never appreciate the people that I have if I weren't so absolutely, completely spent.


So I'm here, and I'm leaving again in a couple of hours. But between those two events, I witnessed 3000 voices at the Michigan State Capitol Building (complete with a mini V-sis reunion) screaming our favorite v-words: voice, vote, and of course, vagina. 


The monologues were read by several of the house dems as well as several professional actresses, and it was pretty phenomenal, but nothing beats the feeling of standing face-to-face, hand-in-hand, and arm-in-arm with Eve Ensler. Thanking her for saving my life and bear-hugging the shit out of this woman never made it to my bucket list because I never thought it would actually happen, but it did, so consider it checked off. She's an incredible person. I'd consider getting to know her.


So now, I'm sitting in Elizabeth's living room with a glass of wine, watching Lisa Brown use her favorite v-word on the Daily Show, and counting down the minutes before I head back to Detroit to fly away to Boulder. Everything is worth this. History in the making, woven between our passions, spoken by our voices.


These are exciting times.