Thursday, February 02, 2012

You're So Disastrous.

I'm at work, and in light of studying for my Electromagnetism exam, I've decided that resistance is futile. I've failed hard after studying hard, so I'm feeling hard-pressed to really care about this one.

And...I have nothing to write about, probably. It's been one thing after another, but I'm still breathing. (Is that frosting between my keyboard keys? Yeah, it is.)

Here's a list. A list of failures and outcomes. Or something. (God, I'm terribly inarticulate when I'm feeling apathetic.)

Grandma Dies --> Spend time with cousins from out of town
Lose house for next year --> Find someplace else to live with two good friends
Become horribly broke --> Sell books
Become horribly broke --> Mooch food and rent money off of your roommates
Become horribly broke --> Sell plasma, nearly faint
Become horribly broke --> Find out that people really want to buy food for you when you're broke
Become horribly stressed --> Find out that people really want to buy food for you when you're stressed
Become horribly stressed --> Make an asshat out of yourself every second
Become horribly stressed --> Project onto other people. Lose yourself.

But, I'm supposed to be finding myself, right? My stress comes in waves, like so many wonderful and horrible things, and it's unpredictable, like so many wonderful and horrible things. Right now? I'm well. Five hours ago? I wanted to punch everybody in the face, which is probably why everybody around me is disappearing.

I understand that it's just me. I like to think that it will pass, and that God is showing me his intimacy while I don't want intimacy with other people. There is a lot of growth going on, but a person looking from the outside wouldn't see it at all. To the world, I probably look just exactly like the devil mask that I must be wearing, but fear not. I'm growing. It's personal. It's not the business of anybody else, and it's not meant for analyzing. God is letting me feel shameless, for a second, in the middle of the stress and worthlessness and what-have-you. And I like it.

That's all. I can't put words together. Not like this. Talk soon.

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