Friday, February 24, 2012

Words.

Here's a little bit of truth.

Just a little, because sometimes, from some angles, truth is new for me. I decided that if I am to be hated, I am to be hated for having a loud voice. A loud voice that speaks the truth. Truth that isn't always politically-correct or pretty to hear. Just plain, naked, sunburned truth.

The thing about words is this: they're sticky. They attach themselves to tongues, then faces, then ears, then minds, then souls. They attach with daring cohesion. Good words, and bad. Quiet words, and arousing. It's all about the fact that I may or may not be able to be soothed with five simple words: "Keep Calm and Carry On", and that's almost it.

And then there are thoughts. Thoughts are flighty, like, how have the children grown up so quickly? How have they managed to walk streets with confidence, give unapologetic hugs, share a goofy, crooked grin full of straight-ish, adult teeth? Where have they gone, and where are they going?

Maybe it's the same place that I'm going. Maybe I'm not supposed to find out. Maybe it's the generation gap keeping me from them. Maybe it's me, just running away as per usual. Running far, far, farther still. Always wanting, always traveling, always searching, always reaching. Never being specific. Never being picky. Never being frightened. Finding my own way, wild, wild.

Wild is the place that I have found. Wild is the place to which I will go. Wild is me, until further notice.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Day in Status

Nobody has a case of the Mondays here. This day is so full of dimension. It's like...the multiverse all squeezed into one not even 24-hour period. Holy. Cow.

So, I've decided to write about this day as I could have on Facebook, via status. Several statuses to surround the two that actually came out of it. Ahem.

______________________________

Headed to Natalie's bright and early to see Ruth before she heads back to Ireland!

Ruth Burke is probably one of the coolest ladies I've ever met. One more adoration-based non-serious girl-crush to add to the list.

Didn't lose my students' homework this time. Progress.

V-Day DOES exist in Ireland! Tralee and Dublin are both winners.

Note to self: learn solo in Turn the Beat Around. Look less non-Hispanic during choir rehearsal.

VAGINA TALENT SHOW. NOW.

Weekend with Travis and Stephanie a.k.a coolest couple ever? Yes, please.

I'm over it too.

6-month-old frozen soup? Microwave? Dinner.

We have more olives in this house than does the nation of Greece.

When in doubt, make a 'soup' out of peanut butter and chocolate syrup. Add marshmallows.

I should probably stop blogging and start studying Gravitational Astrophysics.

_______________________________

...and then I realized that none of this actually scratches the surface of what really went on today, because these things aren't things that I could exploit on Facebook in a status.

So here's what happened. I got a chance to chat with, basically, the Irish version of me-ish. And give and receive encouragement and blessings. And literally see tears of gratitude fall, because what we're doing is actually meaningful.

There was a miscarriage today.

There was a cardigan that I probably want to burn.

There were at least three cupcakes.

There was fake crying, real crying, singing, laughing, snapping, and lots of vaginae.

It's a blessing in disguise that I can't see what's going on in the air. I can't see forces colliding and words, thoughts, being personified. I can't see souls for what they really are, and I can't see the invisible things that we can only train ourselves to feel. But, for once, I would perhaps wish for a snapshot. There were battles today. There must have been. This amount of revolutionary talk lends itself to the perfect environment for oppression.

Since I can't see it, I just feel it. And I understand that your prayers are so, so powerful and so are mine. Let's protect each other. Let's hold each other close. Let's make sure that no personal need goes unnoticed. Let's love. Love just in time for V-Day.







Thursday, February 02, 2012

You're So Disastrous.

I'm at work, and in light of studying for my Electromagnetism exam, I've decided that resistance is futile. I've failed hard after studying hard, so I'm feeling hard-pressed to really care about this one.

And...I have nothing to write about, probably. It's been one thing after another, but I'm still breathing. (Is that frosting between my keyboard keys? Yeah, it is.)

Here's a list. A list of failures and outcomes. Or something. (God, I'm terribly inarticulate when I'm feeling apathetic.)

Grandma Dies --> Spend time with cousins from out of town
Lose house for next year --> Find someplace else to live with two good friends
Become horribly broke --> Sell books
Become horribly broke --> Mooch food and rent money off of your roommates
Become horribly broke --> Sell plasma, nearly faint
Become horribly broke --> Find out that people really want to buy food for you when you're broke
Become horribly stressed --> Find out that people really want to buy food for you when you're stressed
Become horribly stressed --> Make an asshat out of yourself every second
Become horribly stressed --> Project onto other people. Lose yourself.

But, I'm supposed to be finding myself, right? My stress comes in waves, like so many wonderful and horrible things, and it's unpredictable, like so many wonderful and horrible things. Right now? I'm well. Five hours ago? I wanted to punch everybody in the face, which is probably why everybody around me is disappearing.

I understand that it's just me. I like to think that it will pass, and that God is showing me his intimacy while I don't want intimacy with other people. There is a lot of growth going on, but a person looking from the outside wouldn't see it at all. To the world, I probably look just exactly like the devil mask that I must be wearing, but fear not. I'm growing. It's personal. It's not the business of anybody else, and it's not meant for analyzing. God is letting me feel shameless, for a second, in the middle of the stress and worthlessness and what-have-you. And I like it.

That's all. I can't put words together. Not like this. Talk soon.