Thursday, June 17, 2010

Empty, Empty

I woke up at 6:30. That is to say, 6:30 in the evening; I worked last night, and will work again tonight, at a place that I have grown to dearly love.

So, if I am so blissfully happy with my job and everything about living down here, what explains the sinking feeling? How is it that I can lay on a blanket reading Dandelion Wine underneath a cloudless sky, watching the sun sink and the moon appear, leaves still and green, ants climbing stalks of grass...and still feel like only a shell of a human?

Perhaps this: life stopped, recently. Life stopped and we changed the locks.

What am I afraid of? People. People hurting, people leaving, people fading. People giving up, people growing up. People saying things that they don't mean, people meaning things that they don't say.

People haven't made this easy on me. Here's how it will be: I will leave at some point, to finish what I am starting, to finish my degree, to finish on paper. They tell me that this will be the most focused time of my life, that I will have little left to put toward anything else. For somebody with as many layers and complex systems as I have, this is worrisome. Only because of people. I don't necessarily mind what will happen to me, or how I will have to strain and work to succeed. I just don't want to come back home and find that everybody else has moved so far on that they have forgotten. Forgotten why we existed in the first place. Forgotten why we met. Forgotten why we matter.

If I say that I love you, it means that I don't want to lose you. Simple as that. So when it seems like I have given up on you, I haven't. Don't you dare give up on me.

And now, on my own island of summertime bliss, something seems wrong. I realized that everything that matters cannot be seen. I could turn absolutely inside-out and feel the same; bones and muscle tissue exposed, things pumping and flowing and moving, twisting. I still wouldn't see how it works, what is really going on. I can't see my cells divide, I can't see the regulation of my systems, I can't see my thoughts. Everything would be the same. Everything that really matters is invisible, no matter how far you search...it is either too small or too far away.

So for now, I'll just hold on to people. Because, as far as I can tell, I can't see people for who they really are, for how they really matter...but I can feel them. This is why I won't ever let go of you, whoever you are, so please don't let go of me.

Delicious.

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