Monday, January 25, 2010

Flip-Side Slippage

January 23rd means that I am unfit to live, mentally. But then today, like clockwork, snow began to fall at 3PM. I was a little late to Classical Mechanics. Nearly fell asleep, daydreaming about one thing or another, and later I was reminded of how much I do not like to be toyed with. However, I never feel as if I owe a self-explanation to those who play with my convictions, so I simply ignore them. Thus, I create a vicious cycle of harmless teasing and deeply-rooted silence and ambiguity. Even so, the snow continues to play off of the streetlights, meaning the stars continue to be covered, but when frozen crystals find it within themselves to float down the way they do, I don't mind so much. It could be winter forever, and I would hate it, but I'd also find some small way to survive each day. I always do.

Anxiety is not something you can plan, and neither is happiness; but my somewhat questionable mental state has allowed me to indulge in both toxins lately. At times, I am absolutely convinced that there is something horribly wrong with me, but I'm told that crazy people are the last to know. Regardless of my own chemical acrobatics, though, my life's unpredictability continues to leave its trap-doors unlocked and I continue to plunge into whatever environment lies beneath. In my desperate quest for order, I realize that I am dangerously in love with disorder; likewise in my pleading desire for passion, apathy poisons me, weakens me, takes my face in its cold, stinging grip and forces me to look at the world through a lens that only encourages an existence of perpetual suffocation.

I would rather breathe. I've run out of ways to fix it myself, whatever "it" is, specifically, I don't know. Take me back. Take me back. Take. Me. Back.


Friday, January 15, 2010

Holy Chaos

Back to bedlam, indeed.

But I did find the time to nap today; bury myself under covers and rest muscles that hate me after four miles jogged this week...on top of a gaping wound on my foot. And I also like how everything came together like some divine purpose or plan.

Speaking of some divine purpose or plan, and of finding the time to do things, I actually read some of an actual book. For fun, not for class; even though I did receive my Classical Mechanics textbook today and it was ever so tempting to snuggle up with a chai tea and read about projectile motion. In reality, I piled on the foods that really don't go together and read a couple chapters of The Shack.

Up until the part where "God" came. He came in the form of three different people...three different entities...different from anything that I've ever read about in my life. I like it.

God has felt like so many things to me; loyalty, redemption, forgiveness, freedom, fulfillment, chills up and down my spine. I can only attempt to perceive things the way He can. But sometimes God feels far off in the distance, comfortably saving the world from a throne way upstairs, letting me keep to myself. Sometimes He's so obvious I can't stand it. He likes to smack me over the head so that I get it, I get it. Lately, though, He's left me alone or, rather, I've left Him alone.

But when Mack goes up to the old shack, God appears as a middle-eastern Jesus, as an Asian woman who collects tears, as a motherly black woman. (And here I am thinking: "God is a woman? I knew it!!") Honestly? It brings things together for me. It brings me closer when I was the one who was distant. It brought the chills back for a second. And then the peace.

Maybe God isn't just that grandfatherly figure, the one we picture through a glass window, the one we try to reach out and touch but can't fully grasp. Maybe God is every wonderful thing, every wonderful character. Maybe He's much closer than it feels like sometimes. Maybe He actually does understand; certainly He does understand. Certainly.

It's a nice feeling.