Friday, October 23, 2009

The Lucky Resistance

They said that journalling helps. I already knew that. But since I've been numb all this time I've charted out my emotions instead of just feeling. Things go from terrifying to fascinating and back to terrifying. Humanity was never promising, but I naturally always wished to find the best in everybody and believed that there was much more good inside of them than bad. But people refuse to look at the facts, the law, the ramifications; begin to disregard common sense and decency; slip backwards into into ignorance. All the intelligence in the world cannot triumph over ignorance, only because ignorance in its purest form refuses to learn, to be taught. Where is the progress then? Where is the hope?

"Pressed but not crushed, struck down and oppressed but not destroyed, persecuted but NOT ABANDONED."

Maybe I was looking for something that was right under my nose. Just that phrase. Just that hope. Crawling back into the rows and columns of community to hear that verse. I collapsed on a bench only to be met with support. I've had so much support this year but refuse to become totally dependent, emotionally. I want to save so much, to heal so much, to be somebody who makes some sort of difference but does so with strength, dignity and confidence. However, there is just so much to fix and my head is filled with so many things from so many different directions that I wonder if all of my passion is being spread ocean-wide and inch-deep. Do I have what it takes to accomplish everything? What makes sense and what doesn't? What will kill me and what will save me? I am afraid of being too mentally exhausted to be able to have that mandatory go-getter attitude, but I go-and-get a lot of things.

No more limits.

If I need to do something, I do it. If I need to say something, I say it. If I have the ability to make it better, I make it better. Fulfillment comes in different forms, and it comes to me in a very strange way. It comes after a passionate discussion, a musical collaboration, honest contact, unapologetic intelligence, concrete community. It comes when I am not afraid, when I know exactly where my voice is, when my bathroom walls are covered in physics equations. Fulfillment comes to me and presents itself in an opportunity; often times it comes in silence and finds me when I need it the most. This is how I define or imagine a purpose for my life. This is how I manage; how I not only survive, but live.


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