No complaining allowed, just honesty. Actually...we'll see.
I feel like a whole lot of people will make lists of the "Things I Learned in College" that have absolutely nothing to do with academia, and I'll admit, I do this occasionally as well. No shame in that. However, my list does have a bit to do with academia. Rephrase: I've a bone to pick with academia, at the moment.
This semester feels a bit different than the previous two. I've a little more time but a lot more stress. I've a couple more classes but a lot less sanity. I'm in charge of a few more things but I feel exponentially less important. Where is the balance?
Here's how it seems at the moment: I can study and review and communicate until my brain is just replete with knowledge, but it isn't making a dent. I can work all hours of the day, but it isn't making a dent. Fail fail. Lose lose. Because if I can't achieve 35 credits of awesome this year, I can wave goodbye to every honor organization, every honor course. Does that matter?
It does, and I'll tell you why. Not only do I lose my dignity but I also lose money. Thousands of dollars invested into who I am, into my higher education. Why does it all depend on a GPA when courses are designed to lower it? There has to be something more. There has to be another way, a better way.
But in about 24 hours, my aunt is taking me to get a decent meal. Not that I deserve it, or any of my precious friends, or anything else nice that is happening in life. A few hours after that, more nice things to come. I have a near future of "nice" and a distant future of "?". That's...comforting, at least a bit. At least I can turn a question mark. At least I can do my best. At least I can try and roll with the system.
And if nothing gets better? It isn't because I'm not trying; it's just because I'm not winning.