Friday, October 23, 2009

The Lucky Resistance

They said that journalling helps. I already knew that. But since I've been numb all this time I've charted out my emotions instead of just feeling. Things go from terrifying to fascinating and back to terrifying. Humanity was never promising, but I naturally always wished to find the best in everybody and believed that there was much more good inside of them than bad. But people refuse to look at the facts, the law, the ramifications; begin to disregard common sense and decency; slip backwards into into ignorance. All the intelligence in the world cannot triumph over ignorance, only because ignorance in its purest form refuses to learn, to be taught. Where is the progress then? Where is the hope?

"Pressed but not crushed, struck down and oppressed but not destroyed, persecuted but NOT ABANDONED."

Maybe I was looking for something that was right under my nose. Just that phrase. Just that hope. Crawling back into the rows and columns of community to hear that verse. I collapsed on a bench only to be met with support. I've had so much support this year but refuse to become totally dependent, emotionally. I want to save so much, to heal so much, to be somebody who makes some sort of difference but does so with strength, dignity and confidence. However, there is just so much to fix and my head is filled with so many things from so many different directions that I wonder if all of my passion is being spread ocean-wide and inch-deep. Do I have what it takes to accomplish everything? What makes sense and what doesn't? What will kill me and what will save me? I am afraid of being too mentally exhausted to be able to have that mandatory go-getter attitude, but I go-and-get a lot of things.

No more limits.

If I need to do something, I do it. If I need to say something, I say it. If I have the ability to make it better, I make it better. Fulfillment comes in different forms, and it comes to me in a very strange way. It comes after a passionate discussion, a musical collaboration, honest contact, unapologetic intelligence, concrete community. It comes when I am not afraid, when I know exactly where my voice is, when my bathroom walls are covered in physics equations. Fulfillment comes to me and presents itself in an opportunity; often times it comes in silence and finds me when I need it the most. This is how I define or imagine a purpose for my life. This is how I manage; how I not only survive, but live.


Thursday, October 08, 2009

The Elsewhere Otherwise Alternative

No complaining allowed, just honesty. Actually...we'll see.

I feel like a whole lot of people will make lists of the "Things I Learned in College" that have absolutely nothing to do with academia, and I'll admit, I do this occasionally as well. No shame in that. However, my list does have a bit to do with academia. Rephrase: I've a bone to pick with academia, at the moment.

This semester feels a bit different than the previous two. I've a little more time but a lot more stress. I've a couple more classes but a lot less sanity. I'm in charge of a few more things but I feel exponentially less important. Where is the balance?

Here's how it seems at the moment: I can study and review and communicate until my brain is just replete with knowledge, but it isn't making a dent. I can work all hours of the day, but it isn't making a dent. Fail fail. Lose lose. Because if I can't achieve 35 credits of awesome this year, I can wave goodbye to every honor organization, every honor course. Does that matter?

It does, and I'll tell you why. Not only do I lose my dignity but I also lose money. Thousands of dollars invested into who I am, into my higher education. Why does it all depend on a GPA when courses are designed to lower it? There has to be something more. There has to be another way, a better way.

But in about 24 hours, my aunt is taking me to get a decent meal. Not that I deserve it, or any of my precious friends, or anything else nice that is happening in life. A few hours after that, more nice things to come. I have a near future of "nice" and a distant future of "?". That's...comforting, at least a bit. At least I can turn a question mark. At least I can do my best. At least I can try and roll with the system.

And if nothing gets better? It isn't because I'm not trying; it's just because I'm not winning.