Sunday, May 17, 2009

Scattered Versus Battered

There was a time when I really believed that I could do anything. I believed that given proper resources, time, and energy, the world was at my fingertips.

As it turns out, "believing" in something does not make it automatic. "Believing" something will happen does not guarantee it a spot in the future. However, "believing" in things is what keeps me alive.

I wish I could take the quotations off.

But I've been lazy. I've been forgetful. I've been distracted. I've been burned out?

Just what is it that I am struggling with? Heaven forbid the coming of the day that I have nothing to struggle with. God knows that, in that event, I would certainly find something to weigh me down.

I never thought of myself as that kind of person.

I've listened to "World Spins Madly On" two hundred and ninety seven times and counting, not including the times that Casey and I have sung it ourselves. Yikes. It always does this to me.

Am I cut out for this? Is it supposed to feel like this? Is it supposed to try and kill me? It's summer. Nothing should be killing me, but everything feels like an ambush. Guilty sleeps and lazy wakes. Double-edged fun and repressed hurts. Story of my life. Really?

Nope. Here's the story of my life:

Alex and I almost got locked in a museum after re-navigating Michigan for a change. Adrienne and I successfully avoided the creepers. Amy and I grew up a little. Karri put up with me and my grass stains and my Irish ring-tones and let me watch "Charlie and Lola" with Kyan and play tag with Hudson. Right there? There's where the freedom is, the laughter. But there's always, always, always something slinking up behind me, something I can't see but can feel always. It feels like a little bit of failure mixed with a touch of disappointment, a pinch of un-zipped zippers and a dash of uncertainty and old, moldy paranoia; all grinded into my tense shoulder muscles.

BUT there is always hope. So...

Attention Calculus III, Acute Leukemia, and The Terrifying Past: Your days are few, and your power is no match for me, for us.

Delicious.