Friday, October 24, 2008

Two Dimensional and No More

I've decided that life in two dimensions would be simple and lovely. With my newly-acquired extra time, I chose not to study for my upcoming Calculus II exam for now or wash dishes, or do anything that a big-girl such as myself should be doing; however, I spent the better part of my afternoon viewing Charlie Brown specials while sprawled out on the futon.

This brings me back to last fall around this time of year when I was a character from a Charlie Brown story. Life upon that stage was most definitely two-dimensional; life in this college is not even that. Life in college is meaningless and dull, for the most part. Life in Charlie Brown's world seemed meaningless at times, and maybe "it all just seemed so futile", but by the end of the special his friends would have confirmed that he was, indeed, "a good man". Then, together, they found "happiness".

I can't tell if I just miss the stage or if I'm looking for something completely different all together.

Probably a mixture of the two.

But for now, I'll stare at the raindrops splattered on my window and light a candle and listen to some premature Christmas jazz from the Charlie Brown Christmas special. Then I think I might spend some quality time with two of my very dearest friends, and savor it. Because I know I'm looking for more than this. I need to start savoring moments lest life pass me by entirely...absolutely entirely.


Sunday, October 12, 2008

People Will

Seven days and still no post until now. Earth-shattering, is it not? :]

Chock-full week, though. Really. Minimal stress regarding lab reports, but also minimal motivation to accomplish much else. Come to think of it, probably one of the most fun things I've done all week is work, which is pathetic and a little unsettling. Seems to me that the people that make me smile the biggest are located in the cafeteria, but then I think a little harder and that's all negated.

Because on Friday, Erin and Amy and I decided to enrich our silly lives with an ice cream trip and then parking ourselves on the lawn outside West Holmes and basking in the sun and making head dresses out of grass and listening to the Across the Universe soundtrack on Erin's phone. That's all that mattered. Just us and the October sky and leaves and grass and "all you need is love".

That night, for the first time in my history, I ventured out to a dance club with the community theatre chaps. Quite legit, but I could have done with a little more dancing and a little less...provocative nincompoopery from the ladies, so to speak? But things were a-okay in the club and I'm glad for the friends I've got; very glad indeed. :]

Earlier in the week, though, lots of things came together.

Like how all of my friends are unhappy and I, supposedly, am doing quite fine.

But Wednesday after seeing Alan and Carole Cullen, all I could think about was Ireland. I have been making every excuse in my mind to go back in a heartbeat, because I absolutely would. But would I? Everything I wanted is here in college. Or is it?

I spent my entire high school career planning my college career and now I don't care about it anymore; all I care about is what is happening in Galway. I've lost all motivation here as an Astrophysics major and I'm just floating in a world of insignificance because of it. Just...I know in the very deepest part of me that I could be so significant if...if I could abandon everything and go back.

Things might mean something again. Everything was replete with meaning. I survived on prayer. I survived on prayer. I thrived with every street performance. I could use my talents for...for good. For better...for freedom.

Or perhaps I am crazy; no such thoughts exist in my mind; I've imagined the whole thing. Perhaps I can't tell between real ambitions and faulty emotions because I spend half of my time imagining life and the other half of my time living life. It cannot be that way; I have imagined enough. I want something to be genuine; I want a life that matters.

The thing is, God is moving Ireland like He has never moved it before, and I cannot stay here and be content with praying from the sidelines.

I have to go back.


Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Big One-Eight.

The project is draining me but it's my birthday present to myself.

But then my birthday pulled a Christmas, and I don't know why.

It probably feels that way because the old ones ditch and the new ones dote? Perhaps. No hostility here, just nodding and taking.

On the up side, I did blow out all of my candles in one breath. That's because I'm magnificent.


Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Pretty Exclusive

I know I have nothing of substance to talk about, because I'm spreading myself ocean-wide and inch-deep. There's no room for being profound or thought-provoking here, as I thought there might be. That's because everything is still so new and I've realized that I'll never be used to it because by the time this feels like normalcy, it will be time to go back home for the summer.

But college is supposed to make you think about things more applicable than Lewis Dot Diagrams or what happens if you line up a plano-convex lens with a mirror and shoot a beam of parallel light through. I think, though, that everything will develop into something deeper since my only non-science-or-math class starts next Tuesday.

But for now, the only nice thing I can do for myself is make my room smell like autumn; pumpkin and Chai lattes. And minor in theatre. And go to the basement where there's a piano and let my fingers compose a forty-five minute ballad for me. And break out the old black blazer coat. And calm down.