Thursday, August 28, 2008

No Yesterday, Just Tomorrow

Sometimes I hate my job but other times, my job is the only reason I'm sane. Take today, for instance.

I had a stomach knot the size of an orange in my side during Chem lab (which happened to be boring to the zillionth degree) and all I wanted was ramen noodles. That's college, I guess. So I made myself some ramen and ate one of the brownies that my sisters made and watched the rest of Annie. I'm so jealous. It's my dream to be in that musical. I was a little dilerious too, I'll admit.

So a nap was a good idea, but it was more of a half-asleep confusion which became intensified when I laid on my side for too long and my lung got squished. It really sucks when that happens. Really. Or maybe it was my heart being crushed between my lungs. It doesn't's just painful whatever it is.

But I had to wake up and go to work. Lucky for me, it was at a sandwich counter with a girl named Alaena and a supervisor named Mike, who happens to be completely badass. Things looked up a little.

"Look at my girl go; I'm so proud of you!"

Looking back, that's all the pick-up I needed. I just wasn't feeling good before; I was only existing and floating in a world where I'm a number, a face, a nobody at this point. But this is college where the little things mean everything and everything means very little, so I take what I can get and run; I survive.


Friday, August 22, 2008

College and Self

An update is due, but don't expect much.

I am currently living on the campus of Michigan State University, a fine establishment indeed. It's lovely, it's new, it's mine.

It's also strange. I am so looking forward to getting classes started because at the moment I'm stuck in a weird void between 'home mentality' and 'summer camp mentality'. I don't feel like I'll be living with these people for the next year. I'm content with taking them at face value. After all, I'll be back in Williamston soon, right?

Hah. Oh, hell no.

I look around and my alarm clock is here in 116 West Holmes. My laptop is here. My pictures are here. My Edgar Allan Poe bobble-head is here. I'm home, and I don't know it because it's only been six days, but I like it here.

I like being home. I feel nothing else.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Honesty From a Chimichanga

Today is technically the last day living fully in my parents' house and I'm in love with this concept. Finally, I am about to taste the freedom I've been yearning for, be it equivalent or different from the way I have pictured it. I have siphoned out of my room most of my material posessions and have made it quite clear that I intend to...oh for crying out loud. I sound like a liberated, bombastic buffoon.

But I am. :]

I have, however, been thinking a little. I think I might leave my past behind me now and start fresh. It sounds cliche, but I am determined to find enlightenment and closure. This is the blank script to which I am allowed to write my own magnificent play. Why should I stick to every little detail that I have planned thus far? I should know by now that making plans is futile; the more I make, the more obstacles blockade my intended path.

So really, being an Astrophysics major just makes me sound intelligent. I am intelligent, but I know where my heart really lies. I am an Astrophysics major because I refuse to abandon my intellect or desire to learn. I am an Astrophysics major because I want the sky. I want to understand it; I want to explore it and feel its majesty. I want to solve its mysteries. I want to have the ability to wrap my mind around what others cannot, and then take comfort in teaching and explaining.

But then heart lies on stage. I am an actress because I am always happy while portraying somebody else. I am an actress because I feed upon the energy of an audience. I am an actress because I am damn good at it. I want freedom and I find it there.

There is no reason why I cannot do both. I intend to do both. Astrophysics for a carreer, theatre for the ecstasy. Pulling double-shifts have worked so far, but truth be told? My grand scheme is nothing compared to what my life will actually be. If I have to abandon these precious ambitions to an extent, I will be just fine. To be honest, I'd be content living alone in the country, city, suburbs. I'd be happy staying in any place with a theatre down the road and a million stars at night. After all, that's all I wanted in the first place.

As for plans? Rubbish. I have ideas now, not plans. My idea is this: I'll dance to the music that my life composes, improvising the entire time.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Rat Poison for Dinner

So we closed Joseph last night and like any show, it's bittersweet of course. It was probably one of the most fun shows I've ever done, and I'll miss the cast immensely. Hopefully, we'll keep in touch. :]

This morning, to add a cherry to the suckfest sundae of my futile existence, my car died. Like, DIED. It was so dead that the gauges wouldn't even hold their own needle-weight. So I called my dad. Seven times. When those attempts failed, I resorted to pleading mercy and help from one of the neighbor's painters, Melanie (who by the way is a total badass since I don't know jack squat about fixing cars). However, jumper cables didn't conquer this one until dad came home with the Cadillac.

I went to strike the set shortly after having my car revived and Miss Elizabeth Barry pointed out that, indeed, my head and tail lights were on. Henceforth, sometime driving home last night, I flipped on the light switch while trying to engage the turn signal or brights. This, apart from being embarassing because I'm a moron, is relaxing because it means that my adorable moody bastard of a car wasn't being so random afterall. Thank you much, Miss Barry. :]

Nothing to do now but wait for my voice to heal. I move out in T-minus seven days...and life is life.


Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Failure Sauce

Evidently Barack Obama came to Lansing yesterday. For obvious reasons, I stayed away from the city but watched his speech on television. It was, for lack of a better word, enlightening. He presented several bold and ambitious ideas that sound wonderful and extremely attractive to Michigan citizens especially, but again I ask: How will you do it? Campaign speeches are silly. They focus on how the opponent will negatively impact the country; they only point fingers. Of course, McCain is no angel either. This is the most important election in a long time, and I can't bring myself to register for it. I probably won't be able to anyway, so needless to say I'm not losing sleep over it.

Today I got stuck behind a funeral procession in Williamston. I can only assume that it is for the young adult who was shot to death in the trailer park a couple of weeks ago, but it's the only time, minus homecoming, that there is a legitimate reason for a traffic jam here. Almost right as the procession commenced, a song came on the radio with lyrics that sang: "We've been killing off our friends". I found it melancholy and appropriate.

Life's cruel ironies are lurking.


Friday, August 01, 2008


My journal has been grotesquely oblivious to my life and thoughts, which is another way of saying that it has been grotesquely ignored for the last few days.

So here's the lowdown.

Got a job painting apartments and smelling ammonia all day. Hooray? :]

My script got Top Five in a national playwriting contest. Go me!

Rehearsals have been going until midnight.

Performances began tonight.

A screaming baby woke me up this morning.

I just downed an Ultimate Trio in record time and I feel ickysticky.

That's the basic outline. I've never been basic before, of course, so there's definitely more that I'm just too exhausted to type. That's okay. You'll live.