Saturday, March 29, 2008

Mediocrity, Mediocrity

It's sufficiently above freezing outside but still the stubborn patches of snow remain. We'll get there, slowly but surely; the Earth takes a rather long time to tilt towards the sun, in my opinion.

I took this day and did almost nothing with it; I suppose I feel that way because there was no school, no theatre, and no water polo to clog the hours. I did get some things accomplished, but still I feel just as spiritually, mentally, and physically sick as if I were just a bump on a log.

I wonder if I'll finally get to escape. I have no rational reason (besides my ultimate yearning) to leave like I had hoped. Call me absolutely insane, but I'd love to get out of the house after graduation only to leave the perpetual screaming that goes on between the kids. I wish I was allowed to grow up. Held back am I, always. Always. Always. There are no exceptions. Waiting, waiting, waiting with a big black "MEDIOCRE" slapped on my forehead. Perhaps I am addicted to being busy because it counteracts the waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting.

But it doesn't always have to be about me, and this is just ridiculous nonsense, but it is my life, my future... isn't it? This is a situation in which I know what I want. No, dad, I don't care whether I drive a Cobalt or an Ion, gold or silver, black or red...but yes, dad, I do know where I want to live next year.

Back to Blanche: If I don't get out now, I don't know when I ever will.

Perhaps it might be prudent to cease this preposterous presumption that I have no time left. God willing, I have years and years ahead of me. God willing, I may fill those years with as much freedom as I please. feels so good to be free. I just hate to wait for it, because I am addicted living for the moment.

But blessings in disguise are raining down, and like they do, they are confusing, soothing, disappointing, loving, and enlightening me. So I think I'll grab on to one of them and wait to see where it leads, and I'll soar with it until another flies toward me.


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