Sunday, January 20, 2008

Irrational Rations

Applying for scholarships is such a joke. I could sob-story myself tearless for these guys and it wouldn't make any difference. They'll sooner pick a minority single-mom living in the not-so-nice Deep South than a white girl living in a big house with both parents married. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this; however, sometimes the white girls need a little scholarship money too. Those kids are the ones who might have been, oh, cheated by an ill-conceived bastard government...or maybe they're just looking for a jump-start just like everybody else in the world.

But then the sun comes out and you can see the dust floating in the air, only it isn't dust. Every particle is a tiny piece of a rainbow floating around you, and surrounding you, and caressing you, and the world is cool for just a minute.

This is when I realize that I will be fine.

But I still want more. I know I am worth so much more than this...this busy timeless penniless existence. I am sick of hearing it; it's bothersome from both my own thoughts and from the lips of others, snottily or otherwise. Still...it's just a matter of mustering the time and courage to do something that seems so tedious but in reality is so insignificant. If I spent time in reflection of my life, I would find all things fantastic and all things irresponsible. It ceaselessly annoys me to live off of the charity of another; not being self-sufficient drives me insane. However, I will never be self-sufficient; nobody can.

It's been seven entire semesters of high school and it all comes down to this one, if I can last (which I know I can). I don't want to have very much to do with school save theatre (and the occasional Calculus) but rather I want time for other things. I want time to learn what they can't teach me in those classrooms, because there is just so much that is more relevant and applicable. I want time to accept comfort personified...and anything else in the world that I want personified. I want more than just academics and fine arts. I want to start building my own existence instead of one built by other people's...charity. What an awful word. I want more time.

I already know I can't handle 29 hour days and stay awake, but 24 hours is just not enough.


Delicious.

1 comment:

Melissa said...

It sounds to me that you are growing up, ready to spread those amazing wings of yours...Ireland has done something to you, life has done something to you, you are becoming a woman, a woman that can do anything you want...I know it!

Oh, just saw "Once Upon a Mattress", what part did you play...it was so awesome and I invisioned you up on stage!