Wednesday, November 14, 2007

God Help You If

I've lived seventeen years of dancing to the beat of my own drum, and for what? To be able to watch my friends follow along and fall behind where I've followed along and fallen behind. Perhaps I'm giving myself too much credit, but as I look back on the years of maturing and pruning, I can't help but wonder if I've grown up a bit faster.

My trouble-making only extended from 13-15, respectively. At least, my trouble-making on a large enough scale. I've never been very much into the things that most people think teens are obsessed with, but I have my shortcomings and I have my downfalls. These things were most prominently and, I believe, most severely displayed over the course of years 13, 14, and 15. However, despite the tactics of a few of my peers, I never found it necessary to make my problems so...public.

Yes, I did confide in a number of people, mostly the wrong sorts of people. I never wanted, though, to make my life experiences seem like regular high school drama, because they never seemed like it and still don't seem like it to this day. Theatrical at times, yes, but never drama. I've never taken comfort in creating relationships, breaking those relationships, then crying over my circle of friends while shoveling ice cream in my face screaming a refrain such as "Everybody hates me" or "My life sucks because he doesn't love me". This phase, encountered by some, I have skipped over.

Who am I, though, to presume that my baggage is any heavier than anybody else's? It's ignorant to think like that. It's ignorant of my peers and it knocks them down while elevating me higher in my own mind. Perhaps I think this way because I am so consumed with what I have locked away or preserved for a precious few that I completely ignore the conscious minds of my peers. I completely disregard the fact that a lack of understanding does not constitute a lack of pain, on my part and theirs. The "loop" that I so often shrug off is proving to be bigger that I have ever imagined.

I am said to be an individual who highly regards her peers, who regards them even above herself. However, with the sort of thinking and misunderstanding that I display, how can I be selfless? How can I relate? How can I even be human? Can I?


I re-united with an old friend today under the pretext of a murder in her hometown. I wish I would've just called her for no reason instead of waiting for one.


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