Monday, August 20, 2007


Oh...Becca, Becca, Becca. You really do catch me off guard. It's amazing to me how you can stoop to such a level of stupidity and still keep your reputation semi-reasonable. Amazing.

This is just me laughing at myself. Attempting to live without a single care or worry has certainly been careful and worrysome. I'll bet you anything I'm just bored.

Haven't been a good girl. Only because I am born, raised, and branded guilty.

So part of me just wants to say "screw it" and party. I could use a big dance party with colors and strobe lights and sweaty, crazy dancing people in black leather. I could use a rock-out session.

The other part of me wants to go back to where I know I am worthwhile. I was used in the best possible way. I was free. I was feeling the shaking earthquake of revival. I was having the time of my life.

Stepping back home, I am a teenaged girl. Flat broke, crazy busy or else crazy lazy, broken world-view. Always finding something to do, never doing anything meaningful. Not exactly frugal, not exactly wasteful. Not exactly useful, not exactly useless. Living in the land of Not Exactly is boring.

Not the same, yet somehow the same, old, mundane, ho-hum, whatever. Ecclesiastes life. Learning to change it is learning how to live. I don't live when I'm like this, running on two hours' sleep nonetheless, I don't live. I want two things in this life: to be left alone, and to live.

So I'm fixing the latter. Some may say that living is jumping at every whim. I've been doing that, and I don't feel any more alive. I was most alive when I was most in danger. I was most alive when I was afraid for rational reasons. I was most alive when I was completely sold out and abandoned for...good.

Hard to make ends meet, but I am determined to live. After all, in the words of Ani DiFranco, 'self-preservation is a full-time occupation'.


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