Sunday, February 25, 2007

I Dance to the Bells of Notre Dame

Here I sit (again) wishing I was at Beaner's or some other house filled with coffee. But what I wish for most of all, more than all my hopes and dreams perhaps, and more than anything or anybody, is this: I wish life was a musical. I wish it had a perpetual soundtrack. I wish you could just waltz through each day with music serenading you all the way. I suppose my life is almost a musical, but it's just like me to be discontent. Well, I suppose my childish wishes will have to wait.

All in all, I have to wonder if I'm close to my breaking point. I figure there will be one, but I never really thought about it that way. Since throwing away the key, I've actually felt much better. I knew though, from the get-go, that it was probably a false hope. I'm not sure if I'm actually regressing or if it's simply the time or location... but I chuckle at myself. Look at me talking logic when I haven't a lick of wisdom! Even so, you can't really screw yourself over if you've already dealt with it, right? Once dealt with, it's done with, right? I wish I could believe that.

However, I'm satisfied with the way things turned out afterward. The last time greeted me with confusion. I had been worse off than I was before then, yet the fire in my eyes was gone. I don't know who put it out. I do not intend to find out. Intentions never got me anywhere. I guess I can just blame it on myself, promptly forgive myself, and get it over with... but that hardly makes sense to even me.

Since then, however, I've been able to let go. I'm just afraid that I let go of things that were good. When I let go, I let go of everything. I figured it was a foolish thing, but it was the right thing. At least, I think it was the right thing. I've run out of ways to look at humanity positively, and I've run out of sanity. But there is hope.

I rely on myself. I do not need you. If I do, well then, I'll never find out.

And this, perhaps, could be viewed as small window to my soul for the first time in a while.


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