Thinking about it I must admit... I'm growing increasingly frightened of the person I am becoming. In another way I like it. I am, however, concerned about the things that I may or may not be convincing myself of. I know it was not that bad. I know that. I've been able to forget these types of things now. But I'm hardened. I'm blowing it all up. I'm pretending. I'm brainwashing. I'm.... lonely. In a way I wish it would just get worse. I wish sometimes that it would happen... something terrible... just for an opportunity to find and to hold on to the one person who would save me every day. I dont know who saves me. On the other hand... I dont want to know. I dont want somebody to be perfect for me. I have my reasons for wanting loneliness. I just didnt think it would hurt this bad.
I guess I could just grab a personal pizza and call it a day. I need to remember to call Britt. Somebody remind me. I never turned in my tech application. Well, at least that frees up another week. I finally finished my research paper. I'm forbidden from the church tonight because apparently since none of my small group leaders can be there I'm not responsible enough to just sit in the prayer room and talk with Karis, Adrienne and possibly Brianne. Or stare at the wall. They talk and I stare at the wall. Suits me just fine. The thing is... we just talk anyway. Whether there are leaders there or not. Some things are just easier not to explain. So I'm still at home. I already took my walk for the day. No sense in taking another one when the sun is going down and I'm in my pajamas.
The hope of tomorrow hangs thick in the air... me and Hannah are planning on decorating Miss Kelsey's windows with my window markers because we went to festival on Friday and got straight ones. And yesterday my kids did a stellar job at their musical. My heart is always filled when I'm around them and they are singing. Otherwise... I havent been myself. No matter. I finally found myself able to praise today. But then... the skit with the flowers and the crying. But then there was also Melody and her beautiful song. There was a random lady that turned around and told me that I had a beautiful voice. That just made my day.
This has been the most worthwile post I've written in a while.