Sunday, August 07, 2005


Die to win, because you're born to lose?

I dont think so. I think you die before you win, or lose for that matter. Because this is what its feeling like now. Like that Natalee girl, and that dead 17 year old girl from Florida, and those children that were murdered, and that missing ADD Bipolar kid from our town. They all have one thing in common, they're either dead or missing.

Makes me kind of mad. I mean, right now I'm basically expecting it to happen to me, or someone I love. Basically the worlds getting worse every day. Makes watching the news really suck. But what also makes me mad is that people have actually come across "Fuck Natalee" websites and such. I mean who is that heartless, other then the people who got her? Might as well be the kidknappers themselves.

Makes me be scared crapless to go to the Jazzfest in Oldtown in Lansing. It's just our capital city, but I'm just so paranoid. I went with Chelle and Kirsten, and Kirsten hated being alone as did I. I still do. Who knows what's out there? Hiding around the corner? Sitting on a bench in the park at night? Been drinking too much? Staring at you in ways you really wish they wouldnt?

Maybe its just paranoia. Maybe its trauma? But it seems a little... late for trauma. I mean its been almost a year... and it shouldnt've hit me so hard. Because I shouldnt've 'blown it up', because it really... I suppose it wasnt so bad? But perhaps it was.

But maybe its all in my imagination. Sure. Why not? I suppose if I expect the worse, maybe it wont happen. These things happen when you least expect them.

Beccanator out.


Paula said...


Thanks for dropping by my site and leaving a comment! I know the fear you're experiencing. especially when it comes to my children. My grandmother used to say, "if God didn't return soon, he'd have to apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah". All I can say is Jesus. Like you said in your profile, you're "trusting Jesus to get you out of this hell". Me too. I don't know how people survive with Jesus. I know that no matter what happens in life, He will see me through. I also believe it's up to us to be safe. Thanks for your post, I didn't know there were cruel people posting things about Natalie. God bless you Sister.

Chris (Krissy Latte) said...

yea, this is one fucked up world... personally, i don't think there's anything we can do to stop it and that there will never be peace under any circumstances...

Becca said...

Paula- thank you very much for your insight. And yes there is alot of fear. I would definitely be dead on the bathroom floor without Jesus.

Krissy- yeah it is. Peace is out of the question, I guess.

Nettie said...

Oh, sweetie, I hope you're OK and that we can catch each other soon, much <3.

Melissa said...

Becca, I feel that there is more underneath the surface than just fear due to what's going on in the world...I don't know what you have been through, but I'll place you in the Father's arms, He knows, and He is the only one who can love you more...He is also the divine reason that we shouldn't fear. It is easy to get consumed by what is going on in the world. I think if we really let it sink in all of us would be having panic attacks. However, God is in control of all manner of things, and He has sent His angels to guard over you. May love and peace I leave with you. I love you blessed soul!