Saturday, April 30, 2005

Just for today...

So just for today, I'm gonna give you all a little somethin-somethin to chew on.

I'm not exactly sure where to start. Maybe I'm annoyed because all I've really done today was sit on my butt or clean. No fun for Becca. I wouldnt wanna say that stuff is going terrible... just slow. I'm in the midst of healing, of reflecting... of searching.

Searching for clarity. Clarity is a nice thing to have, once in a while. Too bad it's tough to get. I've resorted to looking through my dreams, but I havent had any lately. Actually, that's a good thing. I was looking through my nightmares to tell me what my body knew that I didnt. I concluded that I was getting stronger. Actually, I think I was getting angrier and more hostile, come to think of it.

Think of it. Think of when you first felt brokenness that you never thought you could get out of. I can. Right now, those things seem mediocre. I knew they were... but they hurt me still. Things that happened a year ago are not to be downsized in pain, but things have happened more recently are things I never thought could happen to me.

Me. I use that word an effing billion times a day. Me. Me. ME. Why? Stupid me. I'm no more special then you, or the next guy.

The next guy that screws my life over, I will shoot in the head. Actually, that doesnt sound too bad right now. Burning anger, must control. But still there is the question: why? Why am I making a big deal out of this? Why did it happen? Why is this my fault? Why? Was I supposed to learn something from this?

From this I can conclude that the downward spiral that I'm currently riding is out of control.

Control... why does everyone want control? It doesnt solve a thing. Putting things in your Creator's hands makes everything fall into simplicity, yet it is hard to do. Things that you hold on to weigh you down, make you farther from God.

God... I had a little chat with him about this. Why am I carrying this all by myself? Because I dont want anybody else to feel the way I do. Why dont I share the burden? Believe me. You dont want to know.

Know... from now on, people will NOT know. I have to build a cover around myself to keep it in. Why? It's what I need. It's what I long for. When I implode from it all, say your last goodbyes. I will be gone, unless once again my savior pulls me back up.

If you got all the way through this, may God bless you in bountiful ways.


Nettie said...

May the Lord bless you and keep you. May the Lord make his face to shine upon you, and give you peace. Amen.

Becca said...

And to you too, dear, thank you.

Melissa said...

Becca, this post has sooo much in it I want to respond to. I might just have to do that through email either tonight or tomorrow...and you are NOT GOING THROUGH THIS ALONE! I love you!

Becca said...

I love you too, darling