Sunday, April 10, 2005

Hmm...

Two posts in one day, scandalous I know.

There's just alot on my mind, and I feel like doing like Melissa and being as honest as I can without hurting myself.

*sighs* here goes.

This is me, coming out.

This year has been a challenge, nothing less. I'm just glad it's high school and not middle school. Eighth grade was the beginning... ninth will be the end, I'm hoping.

In eighth grade I began a series of terrible sins. I had done this because I was sad, lost. I didn't know what to do. I was suffering friendship problems and grieving over family problems. I was hurting others, but also myself. I felt desperate for help, but unfortunately I found refuge in the wrong people. What's even sadder is that these people were my youth leaders at church.

This year has been even worse. I dont mean to complain, but I want to be honest. It has also been better. I've made so many new friends becasue of high school, which is why everything is better because it happened this year. There are alot of litle things going on, from friends to regular school. But there are big things going on too. I know that I feel demons pushing me and trying to get me to fall. It's scary and makes me feel weak. I have only found refuge in God and the friend he has provided me with.

*sigh* Okay...

At the beginning of this school year, I suffered a minor sexual abuse. Though minor, it has stuck with me for a long time. I'm always scared, always paranoid. A friend took me to couseling a couple months ago, and I thought I had found my inner strength. I had nightmares about my abuser, and I thought I couldn't escape it. I still dont think I can escape it, but I need to find a way to let it go. It hurts, because I had no support from my family. I was so misunderstood, that I dont even know why I'm writing this right now.

I want to just scream as loud as I can, find a way to escape. I feel so ashamed, because what I've done is feeling worse then what people have done to me. The cruel irony of what I've picked up and what has been thrown at me is too much. Everything is connected somehow.

About a year ago, I had induldged in a habitual sin. I am proud to say, though, I'm free. I have been free of that sin for almost 3 weeks now. There's hope for me yet.

I dont have to scream for God to hear me, and I dont have to bleed for him to see me. I want to run, and I want to hide. I dont want to face what I have inside. There's too much fear and shame. Few people actually know me, and that hurts. I'm just sorry I'm being a bit of a drama queen...

Does anybody get what I'm saying?

Does anybody know what I should do?

Can I do anything else?

11 comments:

Nettie said...

Let me know if you got my email, OK?

Becca said...

okay

Hilary said...

Becca, if you ever EVER need to talk about any little thing you can always talk to me ok? Even if you had a bad day or you tripped and fell on your face and you feel bad, I'll always be there to talk k?

Becca said...

I love you Hilars! Thanks for being there. (And I know that you know what it is like to fall in the mud...) *laughs*

Lena said...

Wow, that's really intense....I kinda feel guilty now, worrying about my exams like that. But it's like you said, God is always there with you, supporting you. Have faith!

x Lena :)

Becca said...

Dont feel guilty!!!! Exams take it out of you. I'm gonna be okay, I promise. God is getting me through. Thanks for your thoughts!

<3~*~Becca

Katie (Olivena) said...

Becca, I never new that! I am so sry, and you are not a drama queen, you are just making it through with a whim of hope... you desprately need a hug, I swear tomarrow I will...

Matt said...

As hilary said, If you need to talk, I'll be around. You can even pull me out of class... I wont mind =P. I know how it is. I myself was sexually harassed. It's a bit different.. but I think I know where your comming from.

Becca said...

Katie-I love you babe. Thanks for everything. *hugs*

Matt- You too. Thanks alot, I know it's hard. We're okay, ya know?

Melissa said...

Oh my dear sweet girl...I don't know how I missed this. May Jesus take the pain you are feeling and fill you up, and may you be justified that the abuser's offence will NOT GO UNPUNISHED!!!

Also, I have this feeling that we are kindred sisters on a habitual sin...I'm not sure...I will share more in my future emails with you...

You are an amazing dear heart, and I'm glad I spurred you on to be honest and I'm sorry that I did not catch it before...I'm catching it now though, isn't that what counts!

Becca said...

Oh darling it's okay...

Yes we are kindred spirits but I'm free for... 6 weeks! :)

and I love you for caring