Sunday, April 17, 2005

...and it's all DOWN HILL from here...

4 weeks! :) Praise GOD!

o on Friday night, Katie and I went to see a movie with Dillon and got STOOD UP!!!! Haha... I had to convince my dad to give me money so we could go to the later showing with Kayle... "Hey... the other day someone came up to me and said 'hey isnt your dad Collin Ferrel?' and I said 'sure is!'" Yeah... pathetic I know. We got whistled at by some pathetic guys in hot cars, and thought Ski was getting harassed by a cop. Turns out, it was some other guy. Wow. We're cool. I tell you, happiness is a movie on a friday night with your 2 girls and Krispy Kremes after.

Guys.... I'm really nervous. Next week I have to talk in front of my church... the thousands upon thousands of people that attend my church. I mean, it's a loving church family... but... I have to talk about my adoption. It's a hard subject for me (and no, to you certain people, I dont care if you think I'm making a "big deal" out of it.) I have to write a letter to my mother (the one I have now) and she will do her best to answer the questions. Eh, I might as well put the letter in here, I dont have anything to lose.

Little secrets, moments of tension, kisses goodnight and curfews. Sometimes that's really all motherhood means to an American teenager. Families can either be simple of complicated, but it can only be one of the two, right? wrong.
Our family is special in the fact that you have one child that is adopted, me. Family may be simple to my siblings, but very confusing to me. There are so many unanswered questions that I may ask, but what if you dont know the answer?
Being adopted is not an easy matter. Sometimes, when I have time to think about it, I'm not sure what to think about it. Sometimes, I forget all together that I came from a different woman and family is just-family.
I have to ask though; do you feel betrayed when I want to know more about my actual mom? Does it feel like I'm not your daughter?What about the rest of my siblings? Is your relationship any different with me than with them? Is it harder to love me? My brother once said that if I hadnt been adopted, then he would be the oldest. As much as I viewed this as insensitive, the more I thought about it the more I realized that it is a plausible comment. So how would life be different with him being the head honcho?
I have thought about how my life would be different. It wouldnt be as sheltered or even as fulfilling. I know I should not be selfish, because I am not the only person affected by my adoption, but sometimes it seems like I'm left in the dust and everybody else knows things about me that I dont.
I often wonder what my parents were like. you told me that they were good people, but unfortunately you only knew the worse traits. What about my heritage? Doing reports on heritage and gentics at school was a nightmare. I didnt have a clue what I was talking about, because I only knew what you told me about where my ancestry was. You and dad could never agree on what my heritage was, and I was just confused.
There is a box that is filled with treasures from when I was born, pictures and letters, this and that. I know I had seen it when I was around eight years old, but other then that, why didnt I know that I had it? That could answer some brning questions I had inside of me. Why didnt you show me earlier?
What about how I got here? Since I'm a love child, does that make me any worse then the other kids? Does it mean that God made me out of the leftovers?
What if I'm just a chip off the old block? When I let you down, do you ever with you could just send me back?
Can I ever find my mom? Will that be too much for us? What about my dad? He never wrote me anything. What if he doesnt care? What if we cant find them? What if theyre dead? DO you know if I have any brothers or sisters? Did my parents ever get together? Again, what if theyre dead?
I know that there are alot of questions; it's an emotional nightmare for all of us. SOmetimes its just another thing that I have to go through, but what is the difference? Would there be any difference if I had come from you?
Is there really enough love to go around?

There... there it is. The thing I have to share in front of a zillion people in one week. *sighs* I need strength... I dont want to fall over dead or worse... cry. Pray hard, thanks!




Nettie said...

Wow. That's a really good letter, it must have been hard to write. I'm curious, though, how did you end up having to share it at church?

Becca said...

eh... long story :) I'll tell you later

Melissa said...

Becca, you are anything but left overs...God created you unique, all original parts bably!...You were so honest in your letter, I pray that God will allow you and your Mom to really sit down and share the answers to them...I will be praying for you about getting up in church to speak about this...please let me know how it are a blessing not only to me but truly to God!

Lena said...

WOW, I'm really impressed by your letter. I'll be praying for you. I'm sure God will give you the strength to stand before all those people and read out this letter. I think it already took courage to write it, you know. Good luck and God bless!

x Lena :)

Becca said...

Melissa and Lena- thank you guys SO much... you're the wall I can lean on and I love you for that.