Saturday, April 30, 2005

Just for today...

So just for today, I'm gonna give you all a little somethin-somethin to chew on.

I'm not exactly sure where to start. Maybe I'm annoyed because all I've really done today was sit on my butt or clean. No fun for Becca. I wouldnt wanna say that stuff is going terrible... just slow. I'm in the midst of healing, of reflecting... of searching.

Searching for clarity. Clarity is a nice thing to have, once in a while. Too bad it's tough to get. I've resorted to looking through my dreams, but I havent had any lately. Actually, that's a good thing. I was looking through my nightmares to tell me what my body knew that I didnt. I concluded that I was getting stronger. Actually, I think I was getting angrier and more hostile, come to think of it.

Think of it. Think of when you first felt brokenness that you never thought you could get out of. I can. Right now, those things seem mediocre. I knew they were... but they hurt me still. Things that happened a year ago are not to be downsized in pain, but things have happened more recently are things I never thought could happen to me.

Me. I use that word an effing billion times a day. Me. Me. ME. Why? Stupid me. I'm no more special then you, or the next guy.

The next guy that screws my life over, I will shoot in the head. Actually, that doesnt sound too bad right now. Burning anger, must control. But still there is the question: why? Why am I making a big deal out of this? Why did it happen? Why is this my fault? Why? Was I supposed to learn something from this?

From this I can conclude that the downward spiral that I'm currently riding is out of control.

Control... why does everyone want control? It doesnt solve a thing. Putting things in your Creator's hands makes everything fall into simplicity, yet it is hard to do. Things that you hold on to weigh you down, make you farther from God.

God... I had a little chat with him about this. Why am I carrying this all by myself? Because I dont want anybody else to feel the way I do. Why dont I share the burden? Believe me. You dont want to know.

Know... from now on, people will NOT know. I have to build a cover around myself to keep it in. Why? It's what I need. It's what I long for. When I implode from it all, say your last goodbyes. I will be gone, unless once again my savior pulls me back up.

If you got all the way through this, may God bless you in bountiful ways.

We'll have Halloween on Christmas...

So my Aunt Faith just gave me like 10 zillion more tons of makeup... most of which I wont use except the lip gloss. Yeah, Hilars, I know. I make you feel manly. (OOH THIS LIP GLOSS IS TINGLY!!! I LIKE IT!)


and it's Queen's day in the Netherlands where Lena is... LENA HAVE A FUN QUEEN'S DAY! DONT PARTY TOO HARD! (and I'm wearing orange for you!)


ITS TOREY'S BIRTHDAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!!! (Ooh you're so lucky... your bday is on Queen's day!) I know that you'll do something amazing with yourself when you graduate. I LOVE YOU HON!

Yesterday at Abbz's party... we had it at Lansing Christian SCHOOL! Like last time! Cuz Ash was in the Anne of Green Gables play that night... Ash was the sunday school teacher!!! YOU ROCK ASHY!

I hung out with Melonie, Andrea, Abbz, Tovey, Brittney, Ash, Annie, Mandy, Bob, and the rest of the fam! EXCEPT THE VOSS'S WHO DIDNT COME!! GRR

Some quotes...

"Are these drinks virgin?? I KNOW I AM!" ~Brittney

"WHAT DID I TELL YOU??? LAY OFF THE VEGGIES! Eat the pizza, the veggies will keep better!"~ Uncle-o Tom


"Someone told me that I laugh like an Antelope."~Tovey

"EEW there was this guy behind us that kept like clearing his throat behind us..."~Brittney

OOH and I was bored... so WHAT do I do? Dump water on Annie's pants in some special spot... it was hilarious!!!!!!!!! HA! GO SELF!

well thats all. Cleaning to show the house tomorrow... *crosses fingers*



Friday, April 29, 2005

Well, Miss Robinson, BLOG IT!

My baby sister HANNAH!!! Isnt she CUUUUTE??? *pinches cheeks* Posted by Hello




Go Abbz! *aint got none* :) Good times...

Today was boring boring BORING! I hung out with Rach in Mrs Nolen's room during the Student Staff Bball game... I heard Hitchcock sucked!! HAHAHAHA He was bragging so much...

Such is the extent of my day... I feel positively Angel-kissed from all of you wonderful sisters and brothers in Christ... God bless!!



Thursday, April 28, 2005

I'll learn things I never knew that I never knew...

Oh, the halls of the Biology lab. Too many good times... today Presto threw a huge piece of red algae at Jen and I... blast me and my big mouth! :)

Costume Shop after school... putting away old costumes for The Importance of Being Earnest. It was... to put it in a nutshell, a BLAST! It was Me, Jessica B, Rachael K, and Rachel F. I always find something fun to wear at CS.

Today, I was a Korean refugee. I found fake blood stuff in the VP room, so I smeared it all over my face and left arm, wrapped a shawl around my head, and carried a picture frame and an old clock. I got many-a weird look, but I had a blast.

It amazes me how I can change so fast. Jessica and I were bouncing off the walls at first, but then when I turned into a Korean refugee, I was whispery and talking about death and pain every second. I went from a bubbly care-free blonde to a scarred, frightened person who was dodging death at every moment. As soon as I de-shawled myself, I was back to Becca.

I am a stunning actress.




Wednesday, April 27, 2005

shut up, just shut up, SHUT UP!

I MISS JOSEPH GRESS!!!!!!!!! :( Food, fun, and Finwhales! *good times with Joe*

So today in Bio, I put a bunch of tape on my mouth. Presto wrote "STEMMER" on it... since stalk is the VERY SAME THING as stem. And then Kerry wrote SHUT UP on it... so I walked around with a bunch of masking tape on my face that said "SHUT UP!!"

And I had a moss-war with Erin.... :) :)

Stuff is fun, it's almost time for the Smoky Mtns trip in the great world of band... gosh! I DESPISE THE COW! I SWEAR! That woman... I'm seriously wondering if shes the flippin antichrist... GOSH! Annoying... and CLIFF I HATE YOU!!!!! Way to leave me alone in there... with the cow... AND a solo... eek!

well... that's about it. Crosswalk tonight... worship encounter and missions trip stuff. See ya later!



Tuesday, April 26, 2005


So Presto, you got your title. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW??? Since you got your title, can I have a few extra points on the Fungus quiz??? *cute irresistable eyes* and STALK is the same as STEM!!! GOSH!

Today I went to Team Kid for a carnival... I helped out and managed MUSICAL CHAIRS!!! IT WAS SO COOL!! I got so full off of brownies and such...

and I met Paula from Mexico, who is staying with my cousins! She's so cool, it's fun to speak Spanish with somebody from Mexico!

In the summer, Jill might be going to the cottage. I'M SO EXCITED! It's gonna be a not-so-boring summer if that happens.

Things are going better now, I dont have time to think now. I'm okay right now, and I'll be better now.



Monday, April 25, 2005

Bernard is special.

Bernard... my special pony! Posted by Hello

Yes'm, this is Bernard, the pony I sweet-talked my way into getting!! Say hi. He's a sweetie.

Well, today was pretty uneventful, nothing's really happening lately. I'd talk more, but it is time for dinner so I'll post again later.



Sunday, April 24, 2005


*takes sigh of releaf*

It's OVER. ITS OVER! And I'm not dead... that's a start.

I know you're all just ITCHING to find out what happened on the most stressful day of forever, so I'll start at 6:54 AM.

I woke around then, and mom got me out of bed around 7. The first thing I did was groan and flick off my window (yes, terrible me... ) because it is SNOWING.... and it WONT STOP! GRRRRR!!! I got dressed and I looked stunning! Only the best, for the church.

I was in a better mood as the day progressed, because church does something amazing to me... just makes me feel so good and happy to be alive.

We got there around 8 and got wired with the little ear microphones... I FELT SO IMPORTANT! Brad prayed with us and gave us the first 6 pages of his sermon so we'd know when to get up. Dude... Pastor Brad ROCKS! "Yeah, I taught my sister how to snort coke..." He's so cool.

We sang some of my favorite songs... which was great because I got to sing them all 3 different times!!! But let me tell you, sitting through 3 services can make you so squirmy and bored... well the first service I was nervous like nothing ever. I was so shaky and could barely look up once. The 2nd service, I had done it before and I got a good response from the congregation. The 3rd time I wanted Brad to shut up so I could go up there and talk! My mom cried, as well as half the congregation, but no tears came from these eyes. It was great.

My darling Hannah was quite right... I do feel better and things are off my chest. Maybe I can finally put this whole ordeal to rest, until I want to find them... but that's a whole different story.

Hugs and Kissies for all of you, and lots of Love too!


Saturday, April 23, 2005

I'll tell the truth... but I'll lie to YOU

Adrienne's party was a total blast. We just hung out with DDR and Toby Mac and Grits pumped up loud. Pamela (Ade's mom) is the BEST chef in the world... she's awesome! We played Laser Tag and I suck alot... but it's all good. Twas a blast, and I met some chica/chicos from youth group that I didnt know existed... *rolls eyes*

It's definitely snowing outside... GRR! I mean... WHO ever heard of snow in April?? WHO? This isnt Alaska. At least it's too warm for it to be sticking to the ground...

I went over to Chelle's after the party. We worked on her Senior Exit scrapbook and made CDs for me. Green Day (finally...) and I'm working on Hyperbole. We accidentally made 2 copies of Boink (local band... awesome) so if anybody wants it, the bids open at the price of free. Any takers?

Okay... tomorrow can feel free to never ever come.

Mom: So, are you nervous?
Me: No. (lie)
Mom: Do you need to call some people and ask them to pray for you?
Me: No. (lie, I desperately need it, and have it.)
Mom: Do you think any of your other adopted friends would like to come?
Me: No. (they're in totally different situations... and I dont need any more pressure...)


Okay... enough out of me.



Friday, April 22, 2005

Why did you tell me it was my fault?

*breaks down*

It's raining outside. The type of rain you cant see unless you look really hard, but you can see the little ripples it makes on the water. It fits today.

I hate this day. I dont know what it was about it, I was just so sad. During lunch hour I went outside, laid down, and just... cried. I wanted to be sucked in to the ground so that the earth would keep me together. Or else, I'd just fall apart.

I need somebody to hold me together when stuff gets like this. Therefore, I went out and talked to Torey during band. Therefore, I skipped it. I dont even care right now. Miss Kelsey really didnt either.

My friends were bugging me all day... "What's wrong?" "Dont lie to me..." "I'll beat the truth outta you girlie!" "I have no problem skipping class to talk to you"

I love them all, but call me crazy, I dont really want everybody to know what's going on inside of me. (Although a wonderful friend of mine wrote me a lovely poem, I love you sweetie you brighten up my dark days)

Imma party hard tonight... This feeling better go away.

I cant wait for this to end


In the future...

Josh... with Mr Keith's skeleton hand... Posted by Hello

Yeah, this be my buddy Josh (
Check out his certainly awesome site!!!

This is from Nettie. I gotta pick 5 carreers and then tag 3 people to do it back. Lets see...

If I could be a scientist...I would be the most If I could be a farmer...If I could be a musician...If I could be a doctor...If I could be a painter...If I could be a gardener...If I could be a missionary...If I could be a chef...If I could be an architect...If I could be a linguist...If I could be a psychologist...If I could be a librarian...If I could be an athlete...If I could be a lawyer...If I could be an inn-keeper...If I could be a professor...If I could be a writer...If I could be a llama-rider...If I could be a bonnie pirate...If I could be an astronaut...If I could be a world famous blogger...If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...If I could be married to any current famous political figure...

If I could be a scientist... my dreams would come true and I'd go to the moon baby! YEY ASTROPHYSICS! (i guess this ties in with astronaut too)

If I could be a musician... I'd sing for kids and play piano in little Cafes in New York City.

If I could be chef... I'd go over to Dillon's with Chad and cook up some famous homemade pasta and eat it all up!

If I could be a writer... I'd capture people's hearts and make them cry with what I said, because it would be so real.

If I could be a justice... I wouldnt be a justice, I'd be a lawyer and tell people what's right and what to do.

There you go... I tag JOSH!!! and HILARY!!! and MELISSA!!!

Go on, and get to know yourself.



Thursday, April 21, 2005

Hey look! A sandwich!

Youth Group is the shiz. And I dont mean just ANY shiz... it is THE shiz.

Me and Crystal were laughing about leading hand motions on Sunday. We have these little 1st grade kids... and there is this girl that (I swear she sits in front of MTV all the time) she like... belly dances to the songs!!! AHH IT'S TERRIBLE BUT HILARIOUS! And her little sister was like break dancing on the floor.... so me and Crys just lost it. We started cracking up... again.... last night. THEN this random guy went up and shoved his finger up my nose. It was akward!

"So wait... he picks HIS nose but now he wants to pick MY nose? I thought one nose was enough!"

Eh... good times.

Today was alright too. I didnt really do much... listened to music for half of it. Took tests, got tests back, did homework, corrections, reading, not a whole bunch. Just busy work this whole day. Busy work, or nothing at all.

However, Hilary, Chad and I had a three-way thumb war! I SWEAR!!! GANGSTA BARBIE HILARY'S THUMB IS SOOOO LONG!

It's insane.

Well, that pretty much sums it up.



Wednesday, April 20, 2005

And today's SPOREcast is....

If I was a complete loser I could very easilylook out the window and get depressed. But, however, I am not a complete loser, so I'm fully prepared to look out the window and be swept away with awe.

I absolutely love cloudy rainy days in April. The first 19 days of April have been more like June... as if we've skipped April all together. Eh, blame that infamous Michigan weather. But today, April 20th, is flawless. I love love LOVE clouds and rain. It's just so pure, calm, crisp and clean. *sighs*

I just realized that the only thing I really have to worry about for a while is the research paper and writing like a speck of a paragraph for Spanish. Eh... school's been good to me lately.

Sunday's coming fast... I've already warned all the loving church/school people about my pathetic speech coming up. AAAARGHH this will be difficult.

Crosswalk tonight, OpTiOnS nIgHt BaBy! Movies, Popcorn, and MORE FOOTBALL! *hopefully* Plop Plop it looks like rain! But tackling (in touch tag football) is more fun in slippery mud! I'm ready to get down and durrty! :)



Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Me and Hannah... I'm on the left in the sexy yellow! Posted by Hello

Yes, I have nothing better to do today then to flaunt two of my beautiful friends. Well, enjoy... and dont forget about Hilary down there!!


Hilary... HOW BEAUTIFUL! Posted by Hello

Yes, this is my love Hilary! Say hi to Hilary!

Monday, April 18, 2005

Back... Back... Back to the disaaaaaaaaster....

And although I'm still stressing major on the speech I have to give on Sunday, mom says it may not even happen because the worship team has to choose which thing to do or something... but I think she's nuts. Of course it's gonna happen. I'll be pretty mad if it doesnt... I've wasted too much time on it.

This morning I recieved a fortune cookie. "Love is the only medicine for a broken heart." Hilary tore it up. HILARY YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE MY FORTUNES ROCK AND YOURS ALWAYS SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well... I taped it back together and it's pinned to my bag! :) I win.

Today at lunch/4th hour I felt so snozzy and gross... (snozzy... new word but I think it fits!) I was so nautious and dizzy... so I went to the kitchen with Rachael and got a big bag of ice. GOD FREAKING BLESS MISS WEINERT AND MISS KELSEY! I layed in the "cave" for the entire 4th hour (band, as some of you may not know) with the lights off and ice on the back of my neck. Dupuis would've NEVER let me do that, even if I was on my death bed.

Jenn gave me chex mix in Bio, I felt better. It turns out I was hungry, tired, and super stressing. That's my philosophy, anyway. Heck, there were even a few tears lying there in the cave. I just wanted to disappear. Grr on this. I'll get over it soon.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight... but I dont expect myself to ACTUALLY do it! Hmm... I have a bit more homework I might consider doing... it's not school thats making me so freaking moody... things are supposed to be okay. They are... I'm just doing my thing. Amplify EVERYTHING. Oh well... SOMEBODY has to do it.



Sunday, April 17, 2005

...and it's all DOWN HILL from here...

4 weeks! :) Praise GOD!

o on Friday night, Katie and I went to see a movie with Dillon and got STOOD UP!!!! Haha... I had to convince my dad to give me money so we could go to the later showing with Kayle... "Hey... the other day someone came up to me and said 'hey isnt your dad Collin Ferrel?' and I said 'sure is!'" Yeah... pathetic I know. We got whistled at by some pathetic guys in hot cars, and thought Ski was getting harassed by a cop. Turns out, it was some other guy. Wow. We're cool. I tell you, happiness is a movie on a friday night with your 2 girls and Krispy Kremes after.

Guys.... I'm really nervous. Next week I have to talk in front of my church... the thousands upon thousands of people that attend my church. I mean, it's a loving church family... but... I have to talk about my adoption. It's a hard subject for me (and no, to you certain people, I dont care if you think I'm making a "big deal" out of it.) I have to write a letter to my mother (the one I have now) and she will do her best to answer the questions. Eh, I might as well put the letter in here, I dont have anything to lose.

Little secrets, moments of tension, kisses goodnight and curfews. Sometimes that's really all motherhood means to an American teenager. Families can either be simple of complicated, but it can only be one of the two, right? wrong.
Our family is special in the fact that you have one child that is adopted, me. Family may be simple to my siblings, but very confusing to me. There are so many unanswered questions that I may ask, but what if you dont know the answer?
Being adopted is not an easy matter. Sometimes, when I have time to think about it, I'm not sure what to think about it. Sometimes, I forget all together that I came from a different woman and family is just-family.
I have to ask though; do you feel betrayed when I want to know more about my actual mom? Does it feel like I'm not your daughter?What about the rest of my siblings? Is your relationship any different with me than with them? Is it harder to love me? My brother once said that if I hadnt been adopted, then he would be the oldest. As much as I viewed this as insensitive, the more I thought about it the more I realized that it is a plausible comment. So how would life be different with him being the head honcho?
I have thought about how my life would be different. It wouldnt be as sheltered or even as fulfilling. I know I should not be selfish, because I am not the only person affected by my adoption, but sometimes it seems like I'm left in the dust and everybody else knows things about me that I dont.
I often wonder what my parents were like. you told me that they were good people, but unfortunately you only knew the worse traits. What about my heritage? Doing reports on heritage and gentics at school was a nightmare. I didnt have a clue what I was talking about, because I only knew what you told me about where my ancestry was. You and dad could never agree on what my heritage was, and I was just confused.
There is a box that is filled with treasures from when I was born, pictures and letters, this and that. I know I had seen it when I was around eight years old, but other then that, why didnt I know that I had it? That could answer some brning questions I had inside of me. Why didnt you show me earlier?
What about how I got here? Since I'm a love child, does that make me any worse then the other kids? Does it mean that God made me out of the leftovers?
What if I'm just a chip off the old block? When I let you down, do you ever with you could just send me back?
Can I ever find my mom? Will that be too much for us? What about my dad? He never wrote me anything. What if he doesnt care? What if we cant find them? What if theyre dead? DO you know if I have any brothers or sisters? Did my parents ever get together? Again, what if theyre dead?
I know that there are alot of questions; it's an emotional nightmare for all of us. SOmetimes its just another thing that I have to go through, but what is the difference? Would there be any difference if I had come from you?
Is there really enough love to go around?

There... there it is. The thing I have to share in front of a zillion people in one week. *sighs* I need strength... I dont want to fall over dead or worse... cry. Pray hard, thanks!



Friday, April 15, 2005

It's a big, bad city out there.

This was a pretty good day *sighs and stretches* I'm a bit tired, though.

Not much happened in school, but we got to skip 2nd hour to go play easy songs for the little 5th grade future band geeks *snorts*! I completely embarrased my little brother and little cousin... it was fun. I didnt feel like playing the fight song that much, so I basically just screamed it at the top of my lungs. Oh, and Brad chased Miss Kelsey down the hall with the chair-carrier thing... trying to give her a ride I think. Only Brad and Miss Kelsey...

In Spanish class, we finished Pobre Ana. ( aka stupidest easiest book)

Its about this girl that thinks her life sucks but goes to Mexico and realizes she has alot. Then she sends clothes to Mexico in a UPS truck.

Well, my sequel goes something like this: Ana is not exactly a 15 year old American blonde, but a 37 year old undercover male spy from Russia's KGB. She blows up the UPS truck, killing her friends because (s)he almost blew his/her cover in Mexico. (S)he went back to Russia to find a new mission.

Wow... mine is the BEST!


On April 24th, I have to speak in front of the thousands of people that attend my church on a very touchy subject. I'll tell you more later, but pray for my strength and that I wont start crying at the pulpit... :)



Thursday, April 14, 2005

Remember all the feelings and the DAY THEY STOPPED...

So... I actually got a comment from my Bio teacher when I updated on the last post... which was updated while IN Bio... CREEPY!!! Presto, YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TIME! This is fun.

Well, yesterday at youth group I played football with Cliff again. IT WAS SO MUCH SWEETER THEN LAST TIME! I was the only girl out there, and I actually touched the ball! Except I didnt know what to do with it... so I pushed it off to another guy. *smiles sheepishly*

But THEN the AWESOMEST thing happened! Spike was running with the ball and I was going to tag him. We were both running full force and we COLLIDED! IT WAS SWEET! I FLEW THROUGH THE AIR! Then, I landed on the ground and slid and almost did a backwards sommersault from all the momentum. Dan (youth leader) was like "ARE YOU OKAY BECCA?" and I'm like "SWEET! LETS DO IT AGAIN!" and Cliff was like "Yeah, she's tough. She abuses me!!"

This is fun!

Today a few funny quotes were said.... let me see...

Ms. Garcia in Spanish: "This classroom is like... a 3rd world country. We have no tissues... no tape... no stapler... People have to wipe their noses on their sleeves..."

Miss G is WAY cooler then all the other spanish teachers I've had this semester... I think I've had 3 others... YEY!

"MY PENCIL STABBED ME... IN MY PENCIL!"-Sean in Bio... wow Sean...

Okay so I really haven't had time to think about things much... maybe it's because of school or maybe because they really dont matter anymore. I cant tell. Sometimes they do and sometimes they dont. I just have too much fun at school with my friends to think about it. (Except when Steven tried to kill me today! GEEZ MAN! YOU DONT KNOW YOUR OWN STRENGTH!! Note to Steven: the way to a lady's heart is NOT by shoving your thumb 6 inches into her neck and choking her to near death... *SIGH*)

Things come back to haunt me, then they just go away. I'm rather confused at myself. It's okay though, I think I'll try to enjoy my moment of stress-free time. This is pretty valuable.


Love you!


Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I'm in BIO! WEE!

So... yeah! I'm in Biology 6th Hour right now... and Presto is letting me update!!! HAHA! Josh just said I type like a freakin maniac. THANKS Josh... LOVE YOU!!!! Well.... and he put 2 huge drops of red food dye in our VASE! and KRISTEN is REALLY cool! And Presto is the BEST teacher in the WORLD! (I'll have to edit this one later) :) bannana chicken poop corn little children moleast becca- from Kerry... YEAH MY PEOPLE ARE GOING CRAZY!!! Apples.-from Jen

Basically it has been a VERY exciting day! Today, jen brought in new lotion! It smells like peaches and I went to sniff it, and it squirted up my nose. AHH!!!! It was VERY exciting. Then... I dumped.. or drooled... water all over myself because I was laughing. Note to self: NEVER laugh while drinking. Or vice versa.

Also, we looked at little micro-organisms. We THOUGHT we found a euglena... but Presto was like "Yeah... thats algae. You guys are just seeing things." GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT! I'm CERTIFIABLY INSANE NOW!

Okay this blog has made like no sense. I love you all for reading, peace out!



Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Hi, I'm Becca. I'm 14, and I eat lotion.

So Spring Break is finally over... I guess I shouldnt say finally, but it sure is over! I've been glad to be back at school because I havent seen a couple of my friends in a while. Also, I need school to keep my mind off of things. Lena I totally agree with what you said about school being a blessing... :)

I'm also majorly relieved because I FINALLY got the rough draft of that huge research paper done. Most of you have no clue what I'm talking about, so I'll give you a clue via one of my friends. It goes something like this:

Kerry's Away Message: Have you ever heard the phrase "If you were my english paper, I'd SO be doing you right now?" Well, if you were my english paper, I'd hit you on the head, tie you up, beat you up, throw you in a river and watch you drown. Anyway.... I'm off doing that.

Okay, can I say HATE with a capital H? But once I did it, it wasnt all that bad. It wouldnt be so annoying if we didnt have to do note cards, citations JUST the right way, and an outline. GRR!

I got the syllabus and textbook for Health so that I can test out. I'm gonna have to spend a while studying for that...

My baby sister Hannah (who is 7) is really sick right now. I think she's got the stomach flu or something. Threw up on the bus today on her way to school. I'm taking care of her right now while my mom is leading bible club, so pray for her speedy recovery.

Things are looking okay... I'm having fun not having to think about some of the stuff going on. *sighs* Imma be okay.



Sunday, April 10, 2005


Two posts in one day, scandalous I know.

There's just alot on my mind, and I feel like doing like Melissa and being as honest as I can without hurting myself.

*sighs* here goes.

This is me, coming out.

This year has been a challenge, nothing less. I'm just glad it's high school and not middle school. Eighth grade was the beginning... ninth will be the end, I'm hoping.

In eighth grade I began a series of terrible sins. I had done this because I was sad, lost. I didn't know what to do. I was suffering friendship problems and grieving over family problems. I was hurting others, but also myself. I felt desperate for help, but unfortunately I found refuge in the wrong people. What's even sadder is that these people were my youth leaders at church.

This year has been even worse. I dont mean to complain, but I want to be honest. It has also been better. I've made so many new friends becasue of high school, which is why everything is better because it happened this year. There are alot of litle things going on, from friends to regular school. But there are big things going on too. I know that I feel demons pushing me and trying to get me to fall. It's scary and makes me feel weak. I have only found refuge in God and the friend he has provided me with.

*sigh* Okay...

At the beginning of this school year, I suffered a minor sexual abuse. Though minor, it has stuck with me for a long time. I'm always scared, always paranoid. A friend took me to couseling a couple months ago, and I thought I had found my inner strength. I had nightmares about my abuser, and I thought I couldn't escape it. I still dont think I can escape it, but I need to find a way to let it go. It hurts, because I had no support from my family. I was so misunderstood, that I dont even know why I'm writing this right now.

I want to just scream as loud as I can, find a way to escape. I feel so ashamed, because what I've done is feeling worse then what people have done to me. The cruel irony of what I've picked up and what has been thrown at me is too much. Everything is connected somehow.

About a year ago, I had induldged in a habitual sin. I am proud to say, though, I'm free. I have been free of that sin for almost 3 weeks now. There's hope for me yet.

I dont have to scream for God to hear me, and I dont have to bleed for him to see me. I want to run, and I want to hide. I dont want to face what I have inside. There's too much fear and shame. Few people actually know me, and that hurts. I'm just sorry I'm being a bit of a drama queen...

Does anybody get what I'm saying?

Does anybody know what I should do?

Can I do anything else?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Conversations with the love most high...

I APOLOGIZE! This blog thing hasn't been working, and I have so much to say! (Nettie, your interview is at the bottom of this post!!)

The last few days have been quite fun. I cant remember too much, so I'll start with yesterday.

Yesterday, I went to the park and I saw Bekah Dollaway and Cassie Warner. On the way in, they had spotted my grandpa suntanning his belly. They thought it was hilarious, and when they found out it was my grandpa, I told them to take a picture.

So, Bekah snook up on him and snapped a photo with her camera phone and we high-tailed it out of there! IT WAS HILARIOUS! Then, as if that wasnt enough, she put a flowery border around the picture. THEN... I got my leg stuck on the swing we were on. THEN... I gave my brother a wedgie and she got a HILARIOUS photo of that one. Now Bekah, if you can figure out how to print those.... :)

Then last night I went to the Kimberly Perry, Jump5, and ZOEgirl concert. IT WAS AMAZING! I had no clue who Kimberly Perry was, and she's a SMALL TOWN GIRL that ROCKS! Knida like me... :) well... Brittney and I got a personal photo with her and a few autographs. She's really cool. ZOEgirl's Alisa wrote a song that seriously made me CRY! I really needed to hear that. It was beautiful. Throughout the Jump5 part, Brittney and I pretty much just hung out in the atrium standing in a line for autographs that didn't exist yet. Lucky for us, I bet the line was out the door! It was great. I also met a girl named Adrienne and she is really cool! She's been going to youth group for a while, but I never got to know her. I'm glad I did!

Well, on to Nettie's interview! (I feel so special!)

1. Where's your favorite place to swim? Lake Charlevoix. We go there as a family every summer, because my grandparents own a cottage up there. There's 11 grandchildren, and when we're up there it's a total blast! Swimming, skiing, tubing, and the works. And also, my brother is the only boy. Around the lake, alot of my family is spread out. We've got my great aunt and uncle next to us, my other great aunts and uncles down the lake, and my 2nd cousins across. It's SO FUN!

2. Peach or orange Fanta? DEFINITELY peach. When I went to Disney world, I stayed at the Hampton Inn with my cousins. I was eight, i think. In the hotel, there was a juice machine. I saw "Citrus Peach Juice" and FELL IN LOVE! I also like peach gum. It has a mysterious flavor, it is kindof like an aftertaste flavor. It has you wondering "WHERE DID THE FLAVOR GO, BECCA?"

3. Any idea what you want to do after you've finished school? I'm going to a 4 year university, maybe Michigan State. I've thought alot about Cali Tech or other places, but I dont know. I'll do something in the field of Music and something in the field of Science, Astrophysics or Astronomy. and No, It's not gonna kill me to do both! :)

4. What's your favorite movie soundtrack? Hmm... The Punisher. Sounds a bit intense, but I like rock! It's a really good soundtrack if you're in the kind of mood where you want to jump around a bit and go crazy, but it's also got songs with meaning that you can calm down and think about.

5. What's your favorite comfort food? CHEESY CHOCOLATEY POPCORN! It sounds disgusting, but it's not! What you do is: Pop popcorn as directed. Put in large metalish bowl and pour melted butter over. Then, add cheesey powder from mac n cheese mix, and then add chocolate chips. The butter will melt the chocolate a little, and ITS SO GOOD! The flavors DO NOT clash, they MERGE!

well, that's it for now folks!



Wednesday, April 06, 2005

How you DOIN?

So yesterday and today I was at the new house. Mary came and we had fun decorating my room and reeking havoc upon the community...

"AHHH!!!" *jumps*smacks*float* "NOOOO!!!"

Yeah, okay. None of you got that.

Last night we were sitting on the picnic benches by the river eating pizza, and Steph was saying high to everyone going by. We're talking smalltown Williamston, Michigan, and lo and behold these ghetto jock mafia people walked by... and Steph said hi and this old guy... he's like "Hey, How you DOIN?" Like in a NJ mafia accent... I was like okay YOU are in the WRONG city at the WRONG time...

okay that really wasn't that funny but it was amusing to me.

I'm not in that great of a mood right now, so imma go eat some soup. See ya later, God bless.

love you (if youre not that stupid lady at mcdonalds... GOSH!)


Monday, April 04, 2005

I see trees of green, red roses too....

I promised I would let you know how Saturday with Lisa went... well... it was GREAT!

At the restaurant, we TRIED as hard as we could to speak in Spanish to our waiter... but OH MY GOODNESS! ITS HARDER THEN YOU THINK! But our waiter was SO cool though... he told us words that we could use and how to say things. Jorge and Jose were there too. I waved at Jorge and I'm surprised he remembered who I was! As soon as I did that, he went to Jose and their posse of waiters and started laughing and looking at us. (I definitely think I heard "Bonitas" in there!!) Well, when we were speaking in Spanish, you could hear all the waiters laughing as LOUD as they could... we were like "WERE SO COOL!" It was definitely an experience...

Then after that, we went to Art Unlimited. Lisa glazed a bowl and I glazed a mug. It's green with several coffee-related words on it. It's very hot! If I can figure out how to put pictures on here, then maybe I'll show you.

I'm working on writing a new song for piano, it's different then the last one but it's still fast. It's kindof switched though, because now the left hand is the faster part. It's actually kindof a left-hand-killer, my left hand is gonna be SO buff by the time I'm through with this!

Well, that's about it... I went to the new house yesterday and played street bball and rollerbladed... ( I fell and scraped my knee!) Then went to Catholic Youth Group "PIE THE PROTESTANTS!" YEY for being a protestant!!! HAHAHA! Okay....

RIP Pope John Paul 2, we appreciate your "spirit" being with us at youth group and shutting the door as freakishly and anonomysly as you POSSIBLY can... :) kidding (yeah the door mysteriously shut as the poster of the Pope fell and we were talking about him. Coincedence? I think not!)

love you


Saturday, April 02, 2005

Eh, I dont know how to do these :)

I'm so bad at this Blog thing... the posting is SO confusing. I just posted like entries that said the same thing... gosh! I'm so confused! Sorry guys!

Yesterday I went to Grand Rapids to see Grandpa. He was pretty much just asleep the whole time, but mom and I went to the piano room and sang and I played. There was this guy in there. He was in a wheelchair and he couldn't talk much. Our music just made him so happy, he didnt want us to leave. I swear, I almost cried! That guy is so cool! I used to be so scared of all the people in there (and I still kindof am) but that guy is so awesome.

Then, in the waiting area, there were these two kids (Jacob and Hayley as I overheard). Their mom is in the center. I'm having trouble with my grandpa being there, but their MOM? Goodness. My heart aches for those children. Keep them in your prayers too.

Last night, Alloicious's party was AWESOME! It was so fun, we had a pinata! I havent whacked a pinata in SO long... but me and Chris were diving for the candy like friggen cannibals! It was super liberating.

Today Lisa and I are going to the Cancun restaurant for Spanish. Then we're going to Fired Up. I'll tell you how that goes later.

Love you!