Tuesday, March 15, 2005

your face it haunts... my once pleasant dreams...

Today was unlike any other day in the sense that I was in a relatively good mood. Last night was tough... partly because of the funeral and partly because Friday was the anniversary of my grandparents' car accident. I spent some time reflecting on what Jenny said at the funeral... and in a nutshell that led me to thinking about Grandpa.

I've had a revelation. It's not nescesarily a good revelation, but it is a revelation none the less. I've realized that my grandpa... he'll just never come around. When it happened at first, I really thought he would be okay. The doctors said that it would be two years.

It's been two years.

Sure, when it happened I was only a dowdy twelve year old... but I still had hope.

I had always thought that he would be able to come to the lake, be able to go swimming with my cousins and I, watch us beach-comb and give us dollars for golf balls that we found, watch us tube and ski, climb avalanche mountain, and go to the 4th of July parade and the fireworks at night. He would eat onion rings and hush puppies that my uncle would deep-fry, and watch his beloved grandchildren have the infamous watermelon seed spitting contest.

I always told myself everything would be okay. But it's not. I guess I'd have to realize it someday.

He will never see the bright blue Lake Charlevoix in summer, likewise never be able to write out Christmas gift tags reading: "To Becca from Grandma and Grandpa, with LOVE"

I can give him all the love I have I suppose... but whenever I am near him it seems like he is a stranger. I dont know him. It's almost like he is dead to me, or I am still waiting to see him after two long years.

I realized that he'll be in there untill he dies. It's hard to think about... it's hard because there has already been so much drama and trauma brought upon my family... I cant bear anything else.

But it looks like the last flicker of hope I had left is... just snuffed out.

love you


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