Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Today was fun. I stayed after school with Beverly and Dillon so that Dillon could make up a test. Beverly and I pretty much just wandered around in search of food and money, we ate about 1/2 a bag of Twizzlers from Mrs Nolen. *smiles* Oh that reminds me... I have to get the check of $51.00 for the 17 boxes of GS cookies I ordered... hmm. Time to suck up.

Alright, today Miss Dupuis yelled at me for smiling. Yeah, smiling. I mean, I'm laughing or smiling and it's "BECCA CALM DOWN" or "BECCA ITS NOT FAIR TO EVERYONE ELSE" or "BECCA SEE ME AFTER CLASS!" I seriously dont understand WHERE she's coming from. I'm working hard, and I'm the type of person who laughs at everything. Pudding. *I laugh* Ethyl Acetate. *I laugh* Cheeseburger. *I laugh* Then, after she's done yelling, she tries to be my best friend. *Miss D points to wristband* "Where'd you get that, Becca?" Me:"Mary Blakely" Miss D: "Oh, cool!" It's like no, not cool. Go away. Gee, she's lucky I smile at all.

I got my pants yesterday *smiles again* Theyre hott and surprisingly, nobody hated them. Rather, if they hated them (and the newish style) they just kept it to theirselves. Eh, and I thought people were waaaaaay less mature then that. Learn something new every day.

I've been thinking alot lately. The more I go on, the easier it is to hide pain. When I'm around my friends, I'm all... happy. No matter how sucky of a life I'm having, it never seems to matter anymore. I suppose I could look as hellish as I want to, but still I'm okay. Which leads me to wonder: Becca, are you really that sad? I have no idea. *rolls eyes at self-stupidity*

I've been trying to listen to my heart via nightmares or dreams. I'm trying to listen as carefully as I can, listening for answers and waiting for clarity. I believe my dreams are telling me that I am not alone, but I feel misjudged. That actually makes sense. Maybe that's where the whole losing voice thing came in. *sighs* Maybe I'm paranoid. Hey, it's likely. It's only when I have time to think that I feel lost or alone.

I'm learning that it takes a great deal of trust to even get through the day, but I think I can do it.

love you


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